Dating's purpose is to DISCOVER whether he’s your guy, not to DECIDE if he’s your guy.
This week I spoke with my client, “Sue,” who recently entered the online dating world. Right off the bat she had scoped out a profile she really liked and emailed him. He seemed interested, attentive and pretty fabulous on paper. The next thing you know…she has a date!
When they met in real life, he complimented her generously, told her he felt so lucky to have met her, and talked about doing lots of things together. At the end of the date, they both agreed they wanted to see each other again. She felt a major connection.
Sue was understandably thrilled and got that he-could-be-the-one tingle thing goin’. I’m sure you know that feeling.
But it’s likely you also know the end of this story: he never followed through.
He didn’t call when he said he would. He cancelled two dates. He had long story for why each time and professed his interest and desire to be with her again.
And then he stopped calling.
By the time Sue and I connected, this entire story had transpired. When I talked to her, she was in damage mode. You know: rumination hell, where we gals can’t help but go. Why had he said all those things to me? What did I do wrong? Do you think he ever liked me? Maybe he just has too much going on in his life right now…should I tell him I’ll wait? Why do guys keep doing this and not following through???
Sue was emotionally drained, and her dating confidence was in the dumps. She was exhausted. And then those words I hate to hear started coming: Why does this always happen? I’m done! This is bulls#%!
Listening, I felt the same here-we-go-again feeling. But it wasn’t about the guy; it was about her.
First, let me answer her questions:
Why had he said all those things to me? Because he probably liked you.
What did I do wrong? If you showed up, had fun, and were “real”…absolutely nothing.
Do you think he ever liked me? Again, yes. I do…when he was with you.
Should I wait? NO! For what?
Why does this always happen to me? It doesn’t. You’ve gone out with about 10 guys in the past several months, and this disappearing act has happened twice. That doesn’t count as “always” in my book.
And the major, most important answer I gave her was this: You will never know what happened. Ever. And it doesn’t matter.
She didn’t even know this guy. She was totally disregarding his bad behavior and holding on to her initial, uninformed impression. She was hitching her wagon to a fantasy: a wish that she was finally in the presence of The One (at least potentially). After one date she jumped in HEART first…and created her own crash and burn drama.
And the kicker is, while she was spending all her energy on a relationship that never existed, she wasn’t responding to the dozens of men in her Match.com inbox waiting for her attention. Seriously…dozens!
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