How to overcome your FemiType if you're a woman dating over 40
Over the past few months I’ve profiled six types of women – I call them FemiTypes – who have less than healthy relationships with men. I’ve written about The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow-Me Woman, The Bitter Woman and The Sexpot.
Why have I written about women when you really want to know about men? Because I know it will help lead you get to where you want to be: in a loving relationship with a man who is devoted to you.
I wrote the FemiType series in hopes of creating empathy for your counterpart: the over 40 single guy who is dating and looking for love. Many of these guys come to you after dating, living with or being married to one or more of these FemiTypes.
After reading this series, I hope you can understand why some single men can seem judgmental, insecure, scared or a little shell-shocked! Like you, they’re likely reacting based on previous experiences.
Understanding men’s bumps and bruises will add to your compassion, and compassion is toward the top of the list of feminine traits that men desire most in a partner. It ranks before sex appeal, intelligence, or being blonde and skinny. Relationship-minded men are drawn to a compassionate woman.
My FemiType series also gives you a window through which you can identify patterns of your own behavior that unknowingly turn away good guys. One of the biggest complaints I hear from my clients is that, after only one or two dates that seem great, the guy just disappears. That can be for a whole host of reasons having nothing to do with you.
But often – and I know because guys tell me – it’s because of behavior that turns off men, emasculates them, hurts them, or just downright confuses them. Sometimes we can just be too much work for them!
Knowledge is power, and I’m all about empowering you. Self-awareness is the most powerful tool of all. It’s what started me on my journey to finding the most amazing love, and it will also put you in control of getting what you want.
As a result of my journey and my success, I created my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him System. Many women want to go straight to Step 4 of my system: Casting the Net: Where and How Do I Meet Him. They figure the only problem is that there aren’t enough men. They resist looking at themselves or taking personal responsibility.
I get it. That’s how I dated for about 30 years! I just kept trolling, casting my net and waiting and hoping for the right guy to come along. (You know…the guy who was going to love me just the way I was without me having to make any changes?)
Looking back, I’m sure I met plenty of good guys during my dating years. I can see now how my inner Scaredy Cat and 18 Year Old kept me from attracting them (or even recognizing them).
I kept scaring away the good men, and the only ones I attracted were the jerks. You know who appears then…The Bitter Woman! H-e-l-l-o!
My Formula for Overcoming My FemiTypes
In my 40s I finally realized the only common denominator to my unsatisfactory (i.e., lack of) relationships was ME. With guidance (Yes, I use coaches!) I realized it was I who had control over my romantic outcomes. And boy, was I controlling them!
So…I got to work.
I discovered my “wonderfulness” and learned how to show it to men. (Step 1: Who Am I? Falling in Love with Myself). This gave me confidence I had never had before, and there is nothing more attractive than confidence. (That comes before compassion on guys’ lists.)
Then I got clear on what I wanted in a man and in a relationship. (Step 2: Who Is He? Getting Past Your List.) I helped my 18 Year Old grow up and defined the traits in a man that were really important for grownup happiness. I got rid of the items on my “list” that really didn’t matter. You know: tall, dark, gorgeous, rich, drives a good car, no baggage, loves to travel, etc. Btw, this is where it really helps to be over 40 – we now have rich life experience that can help guide us.
Step 3 was the hardest for me. This entailed challenging and getting rid of the gremlins, assumptions and beliefs that held me back: things like “I’m too fat,” “Men don’t like smart women,” and “I’m just going to get hurt, so what’s the point?” I put my gremlins in their place, locked in a tiny closet at the back of my brain. They came out to play now and then, but I wouldn’t let them sabotage me anymore. I wanted this too much.
Here’s what I call Step 3: I’m Fabulous, So What’s the Damn Problem? (Are you feelin’ it yet?)
Taming Your FemiTypes
Once you know what is wonderful about you and what you really want in a man, and once you have challenged and cut your gremlins down to size…THEN you are ready to find your guy. Step 4 awaits.
When you cast your net with all this in your tool chest, this is the easy and fun part! When you’re clear, ready and open, finding love is soooo much easier. Within 18 months of doing my inner work, I became a first-time bride at age 47! And as I write this, we are one month from our six-year anniversary.
So, wonderful woman, sorry but there are no shortcuts. The path is simple, though, and it’s not so long once you know what to do and how to do it. (Kind of like many things in life that seem hard, yet you end up mastering them without much fuss.)
I wish I had some quick tidbit of advice for you to use that will miraculously make Him appear. But today I’m all about looking deeper and going further with you. And the only advice is for you to learn to BE the woman who attracts that loving man.
If you’ve made it this far reading this, I have full confidence that you’re up for this journey.
I’ve heard from many of you that the FemiType series has been eye-opening and helpful. That’s why I’m here: to open your eyes to the beauty of being a grownup in the area of love. (As I know you are in the rest of your life.)
I’m here to guide you on your path to Finding Hope and then Finding Him. You deserve to wake up every morning for the rest of your life with a man who adores you.
I did it. My clients are doing it…and you can too. I am SO looking forward to hearing you tell me about this wonderful experience in your life!
This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.