Have you experienced the intimacy of shared music for making love?
What’s the music that gets you in the mood? Keeps you there?
What’s the music that completely turns you off?
Let’s face it: the wrong music at THAT moment can be a disaster…but the right music at the same moment? Heaven.
If you’re not in control of your sex music soundtrack, or you’re leaving it up to either chance or the best decisions of the DJ de nuit, well, IMHO you’re missing a great opportunity for some spectacular intimacy.
Don’t get me wrong: I’ve got no issues with adrenalin-pumping house music, alt rock, hip hop or any other genre that lowers inhibitions and gets us moving. Folks can have great sex to music like that, no question. It awakens the animal that responds best to the lizard brain. Go for it.
Don’t expect to last all night, though, because the lizard brain in most human beings doesn’t operate very well for very long, and adrenalin is a fight or flight substance with an intense and immediate – but not lasting – impact. Either chase that high over and over and over and over, or find more supportive stimulation to help the great sex you want last longer than a few minutes.
Most of us are all too familiar with sex that doesn’t last. Adrenalin music can drug you into powerful performance, but, like adrenalin, it might be a great firework, but it’s not a fire.
There’s another kind of intensity in sex that more subtle music can arouse and sustain. Admit it: you know you want that, too.
My wife and I have a sex music playlist we’ve been curating for a few years – well, to be honest, she’s done most of the development. But here’s the thing: if there’s any music on the list that either of us don’t find arousing, that tune gets dumped before it wrecks our sex. Both of us love the music in the playlist – that’s an absolute requirement – and we’re both OK with hearing the songs in whatever random order Spotify wants to play them.
You can listen to our playlist here.
As I write this, the playlist has thirty-eight songs for about two and half hours of music. It reflects both of our personalities. There’s Keb’ Mo’ blues, Jobim Brazilian jazz, Etta James, Bill Withers, Taj Mahal, and Harry Connick Jr, as well as some tunes we love by Henry Mancini (yeah, I know!) and a couple of crooners. It’s eclectic in a way that lights both of us up, and personal because many of the songs have a shared memory connected to them. Go have a look/listen and you’ll get some insight about us you wouldn’t have otherwise, even if I wrote it all down for you.
One very NOT magical thing and a few very magical things can happen with our sex playlist.
The NOT magical thing is that we’ve got built-in insurance against the wrong music coming on an killing our mood. That’s worth the investment right there.
Here’s a few real-life magical points about our sex music playlist:
- If I hear any of those songs “out of context” – that is, NOT on that playlist during sex but in some other random audio experience – it reminds me of how hot sex with my wife is. Who doesn’t want the potential for THAT random surprise?
- Since we’ve been sound-tracking our sex to this playlist for a while, we’re both pretty familiar with what’s in it. Just bringing any of the songs into my mind without actually hearing it recalls the entire two and a half hour list, and that’s an instant mood transformer. Nice tool to have when the meeting gets boring or the traffic is stopped or the plane ride with the screaming toddler in the next row is long. Doesn’t even require headphones.
- Sometimes a clip from our sex playlist starts to spin over and over in my head. This can be annoying but it’s a better ear worm than some of the other alternatives that often bug me for hours or days. I’d like to say that the power of the sex playlist music tilts the potential for this “good” kind of ear worm more in my favor, but there are scientists who might disagree with me on that one. In any case, when this happens…see #1 above.
- The music we use does have some adrenalin in it (Etta James “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” or Xavier Cugat “One Mint Julep” are two examples) but there’s a balance between activating and sustaining music. House beat just doesn’t work for us – we like to take some time with lovemaking – so we chose music that has a slow drip, measured adrenalin push. But the key (for us) is mixing that with other music that’s genuinely sexy with genuinely sexy lyrics. Take a listen to a Michael Franti’s “Union Love Juice” and see if you agree. And yeah, I’ll admit it: there have been times we’ve lasted longer than the playlist, which wouldn’t happen (for us) with hip hop or house music.
- Last magical point: getting to know my partner through her lovemaking music is getting intimate in a way nothing else can match. Shared music makes getting inside each others heads and hearts possible, especially if both of us have the same visceral responses to the music we share. That’s just f-ing HOT.
A word about that house music preference. Think about it: you can eat an all-sugar diet, but there’s a price for it. Music is the same way. Use music to manipulate your brain chemistry to your best advantage, but be careful not to overload your lizard brain when what you need is finesse – and vice versa. I’ve got no issues going dancing first, but later on back at the house the music is going to change.
Give it a try. Work out a sex soundtrack with your partner, then share it and see what your friends think. You might learn something…and your sex life might change in ways you’ve never dreamed possible.
Hit me back, too – you never know whether a song that gets the two of you lit will have the same effect on anyone as it does on me and my wife, and who couldn’t use a reliable source of, uh, inspiration in a relationship?