Is shame and arrogance blocking YOUR sex appeal?
Is shame or arrogance interfering with your sex life? Are you brave enough to look at your side of the street in your sexual encounters? How can you learn to relax and stand-strong in your vulnerability?
If you are arrogant you may believe others need to change so you can get your needs met. How’s that working for you? If you are meek you may believe you aren’t worthy of closeness with others.
Not acting on your desire to have companionship is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You may find yourself showing progressively less about your innermost, sexy self to people (including your partner).
Shame Based Intimacy:
- "I don’t dare say who I am."
- "I am afraid I will say something stupid if I make myself known."
- "He gets so mad when I say what I want."
- "If I am not careful, I will start crying and not be able to stop."
The modes of internal dialog of self-doubt build ever more rigid defenses between you and other people. Try thinking these defenses as brick walls. You can chip out the mortar around one defensive brick and pull it out.
You could say; "I am feeling scared." Now you can calm yourself and observe the results. You will likely find out new things about your partner or yourself. You are looking for new influences emerging from your disclosure.
Now you see more and, possibly, are seen. That hole in the brick wall is much easier to make larger as you expand your risk tolerance. The only path to intimacy is for your armor to become more porous,
Arrogance Based Intimacy:
- "People should learn to know what I want."
- "I can make people do what I want."
- "Don’t they know who I am?"
- "I have earned the right to treat people poorly."
Are you blocking your view of what the people around you think and feel about you? Can you truly see yourself without their impressions of you? Or, are you hiding feelings of inadequacy with your blustery attitude?
Does controlling other people allow you to believe you are controlling yourself? Arrogance can be hard to penetrate. Take one defensive brick out of your wall in order to notice how your lover is sensing you.
You will now be standing stronger in your vulnerability. Highly sexy! No need to prove it. You will better see the depth of your friendships if you trust others to carry the ball some of the time. The only path to intimacy is for your armor to become more porous,
Sex is best when the parties involved see, sense and understand each other. Sex needs to become ever more reciprocal to be its most thrilling and comforting. Let the game come to you, then step up and be truly present. If you want more, be brave; start presenting your authentic self.
Each step requires looking inside your thoughts and feelings to your honest values and beliefs.
- Be present and receptive. Do not act or speak if you tend to hide behind arrogance. Speak up if feeling timid is your tendency.
- What do I truly want? How do I truly feel? This allows your forebrain to coordinate your body and your feelings in the lived moment with your lover.
- Talk with your partner about the shallowness or depth of your encounter. After sex track the progress you each make toward being authentic.
- Express the details of your attraction to your lover. This may be a smile, wink, hug or a comment.
- To go from good to great sex, keep the communication going from your most recent understandings about each other. This is foreplay hours before getting naked.
Can you sense your partner’s expressions of desire? Are you communicating your wants? Can you tell if they recognize your communication? These questions will help you be in a receptive frame of mind.
An attitude of enquiring is the starting point. Our wiring requires us to be close to others, trust each other's motivations. Relax in the knowledge you have an honest, brave, supportive and kind self. You will begin to do and say the right things the more you practice.
Even little bits of enhanced intimacy become cumulative. Simply stop blocking your natural connections and notice your progress. Mind-blowing sex is unlikely happen out of the blue in a troubled relationship.
Steady movement toward deeper feelings of closeness requires repeated vulnerability and surviving your old defensive patterns.
Bill Maier, LCSW has more writings about softening shame on his website. He has successfully helped hundreds of adults, youth, couples and families in a private practice setting since 1986 learn to recognize and act on their value systems.