3 Levels of Communication

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It can be difficult to talk about sex because we aren't given courses in school on how to do it.  And most likely, our parents didn't give us much help in this area either.  We go into relationships expecting our partners to know our needs by osmosis, and that's rather presumptuous, isn't it?  How can we dare expect someone else to know where to touch us if we don't find a positive way to tell them?  In love-making, we are totally on our own; maybe that's why it can feel so difficult to express what you want and find out your partner's needs.  But we may fear rejection or be afraid we can't measure up. No ironclad rules exist to fall back upon; we just have to "wing it."  And maybe that's a good thing if it opens us up to talk more freely.  If you were lost in a foreign city, you would certainly seek out someone you could talk to and ask directions.  You would be just as vulnerable in that situation too. 

Asking for directions in love- making is just part of getting where you want to go. We aren't just dealing with erotic needs at this level, but erotic nurturing needs.  If it feels scary to ask for erotic nurturing, first tell each other how much you respect each other and want to please each other.  Ask what each other likes in the way of sex.  Go slowly; the more time you take, the more excitement you build up and the more barriers you break down.  Tantalize your partner with the possibility you can fulfill each other's wildest dreams and fantasies.

Verbal foreplay is extremely important at this stage.  You might say things like, "You look so inviting lying there like that" or "I love the admiration I see in your eyes right now; it makes me want to be so closely entwined with you."  Tell each other the little things that feel good or entice, such as "I love your bald head; it feels so slick and that's such a turn-on to me," or "It feels wild when you lightly finger-massage my back." Give each other positive feedback during and after love-making.  Feel free to ask that your needs be met; express what you need by saying things like, "I need to be held close after making love," or "I need you to stay overnight."  And if your partner is reluctant to open up, ask, ask, ask in a gentle and loving way.  Ask what his deepest desires are and how you can meet them.  And if that first love-making session isn't everything you want, tell each other in a positive way what turns you on and what doesn't.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Ava Cadell

Counselor/Therapist

Live to Love ~Dr. Ava Cadell

Personal Website: http://www.AvaCadell.com

Founder of Lovelogy University: http://www.LoveologyUniversity.com

My blog: htto://www.DrAvaBlog.com

Location: West Hollywood, CA
Credentials: EdD, PhD
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support, Sex Therapy
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