Good sex doesn’t fall from the sky, and sexual libido doesn’t crash and burn all on its own. Everything we do, think, eat, feel and remember turns sex either hot or cold. Here are the five best and worst things you can do to your sex life.
First five love winners:
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1. Anything that gets your oxytocin going. If you’re new to brain chemistry, oxytocin is a naturally occurring hormone manufactured by men and women’s brains. Some call it the hormone of commitment or "hormonal superglue" because it makes you want nothing more than to bond. Oxytocin is released into the bloodstream in response to real touch or even just the idea of touch. So kisses, back and feet rubs, smiles, kisses, compliments, brushing fingers, even cuddling with your cat gets you in the mood for the kind of love that binds.
2. Moderate amounts of exercise, especially for women experiencing libido or orgasm problems.
3. Chocolate, in your mouth or on your mind. After centuries of hype it's the placebo effect on top of a tiny bit of the natural stimulant PEA from the cocoa plant.
4. Change. The brain’s naturally occurring stimulants are activated by new places, tastes, sounds and smells. It’s why sex is better when you go on vacation compared to hanging around the house. By trying new things alone and together, you re-excite your stimulating chemicals, and get the reward system of your brain expecting new and ever better pleasures.
5. Don’t forget evolution: The drive to reproduce is the best invisible third party for any pair of lovers.
Now, Five Top Love Losers
1. Booze and Drugs: alcohol is far and away the most deceptive of love losers. First it relaxes you but then it can rob you of your ability to sexually perform or even feel very much. Another misconception concerns ecstacy, which like speed (meth), causes 40 percent of men to lose erections.
2. Too little or too much food kills libido.
3. Hardcore, visual pornography turns off most women.
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4. High Stress, lost job, failure or perceived failure at work, for both but especially men. When their jobs go south so do... Lot's more of us are aware of this one during these tough economic times. Be kind to each other when there's this much external flack coming at you.
5. Distraction for women. Unlike men who once they’ve gotten to the last stage of arousal cannot stop, a woman can be distracted (think baby crying, phone ringing) from their orgasms up to and including the second before she comes.
Those are a lot of forces at work. The good news is that each part of the whole, meaning you, your brain, your feelings and every cell in your body can change. It's the wonder of chemistry and the miracle of love. For much more check on my latest book, The Complete Idiots Guide to the Chemistry of Love, available at my store on this site.