I recently had a couple come in to see me for premarital counseling, worried and terrified. Many married friends had told them that their sex life was about to die. And that after the honeymoon, the arguments about when, how often, blow job, etc. would begin. "Is it true?" they asked. They have a wonderful sensual sex life and wanted to know how to keep it alive.
It is true that every couple's sex life goes through stages and that the "new couple sex" stage will end. Your sex life will change, mature, get better and have downtimes over the lifetime of your marriage. But it is also true that you can have a strong sexual, sensual and erotic relationship that is vital, exciting and fulfilling.
How? With four simple steps.
1. Understand that married sex is different than "new couple" sex. Great married sex is about understanding that the two of you will have a lifetime of sensual and erotic experiences together. Some will be great, most will be just OK and some will be bad. The most difficult piece of work is to make the majority of your sex — the OK sex — OK. This kind of sex happens when one person has a higher level of desire, and the other person goes along for the ride. 10 Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble
Most of the couples that I see have a deep belief that there is something wrong with their sex life if they have different desire levels. In fact, this is perfectly normal. Age, stress, hormones, injuries, and medications all have an impact on your sex drive and ability to orgasm. It is important to learn to navigate this OK sex with creativity, understanding and generosity.
2. Don't think that sex is only intercourse. The goal for your sensual life together is to have a buffet of touch — intimate, erotic, intercourse, etc. And to know that just because you are touching in an erotic way does not mean that you have to have intercourse. It can be a very freeing feeling to disconnect the link between touch and sex.
There may be times in your life where intercourse is not an option (broken leg, sprained back, babies, etc.) but don't let that stop you from having playful and intimate dates. Plan a date night with your spouse where you agree to a level of touch (intimate/erotic) and stay there without moving up the scale to sex.
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