Most couples end up in this first scenario. They beat the living hell out of each other in an attempt to get rid of the traits they hate, but in the process, they can profoundly injure their partners and their relationships. I saw an elderly couple at a train station the other day, and the wife was looking for their tickets in her purse saying, "I just know I put them in here." His response was not "What is wrong with you?" or "Why is it that you mess up the only thing you are in charge of?" Instead, he responded with generosity and kindness, touching her arm and then saying "You are such a card; I am sure we will find them." And when she looked up at him, she smiled with such relief and he smiled back. They were a team, focused on building each other up, not tearing each other down.
You can still hate the lateness, the ADD or the anxiety, but you need to find a way to respect and love your partner in spite of these traits. And you just might be surprised by how profoundly a little generosity and love can transform your marriage.
If you have any questions, you can find me at www.DCCouplesCounseling.com or contact your own couples counselor to learn how to fall in love with you spouse again.