Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

Why Instant Chemistry Can Be A Big Mistake


Contributor

"Love At First Sight" Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

"There is no one here for me." Lisa frowned as she surveyed the ballroom filled with hundreds of single men and women. "I know some of these guys. They're all boring. I can tell just by looking."

Lisa places a high value on charm and good looks. She's horrified to see the pool of handsome, eligible men shrink as she ages.

She's not alone. Like many women, you may have passed over men whom you have briefly encountered — or haven't yet met. Perhaps he's not your "type" or you don’t feel any chemistry.

He could be a nice guy who meets most of your dating criteria. But, you just aren't that attracted when you meet him. And, maybe he's a little shy so you never discover his intelligence, charming personality and sense of humor.

You move on, meet the next man to try on, and become frustrated because you can't find an emotionally available guy who gives you the zing that you're looking for.

Cindy is using a different approach. She met Ray a few weeks after she'd broken her foot, as she was crutching to get coffee in her neighborhood. He asked her if she would like help with shopping.

Their first date was spent in the aisles of Costco. They went for coffee afterwards and had an interesting conversation. We talked after they had gone on a few dates.

"He's growing on me," she told me, "At the very least I have a new friend. As I get to know him, he'll either become more attractive, or not. I'm in no hurry to find out. I'm not seventeen and being driven solely by hormones." A few weeks later, she's still enjoying their slow-brewing romance.

Cindy is taking a win-win approach. She values Ray, whether he turns out to be a friend or a lover. If a romantic relationship doesn't come of their connection, she'll include him in her circle of friends, and perhaps he'll introduce her to someone.

Like Cindy, most women discover that chemistry often develops as they get to know a man. When you like his personality, he is likely to become more attractive. Give yourself permission to go on a few dates and discover whether a connection begins to grow before you jump to any conclusions.

In our fast-paced, goal-oriented culture, women often want to have the thrill of instant chemistry — which often results in frustration when reality kicks in. Next time, why not try the slow-bake kind? It’s a kinder, gentler way to experience romance.

About The Author:  Dating Coach, Annie Gleason teams up with single midlife women and men and guides them as they transform their dating lives from frustration and disappointment to into happy, successful relationships. She has helped hundreds of clients move through her exclusive Get A Love Life One on One Coaching Program for Women. As they progress, they quickly become increasingly confident as they move towards a successful, loving relationship. Annie supports them as they use new ways to effectively attract, date and build a rewarding, lasting relationship with a high quality, compatible mate.

Sign up here for Annie's free Dating Tips Newsletter!

This article was originally published at Get A Love Life. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Author

Contributor

From our Partners

Explore YourTango

MOST POPULAR