I actually thought that pleasant statements really meant something about the person when I went on dating sites. But after a lot of email and phone conversations, and writing Create New Love, I learned my lesson. They had a Pollyanna view of life, or they had their profile written by a professional, or they combined all the positive traits in profiles they read! So I learned to read between the lines. I’m going to show you some lines to “read between” so you can exclude those people now instead of discovering down the road that this really isn’t working. My free podcast covers even more of this.
How do you respond when the person seems just so so nice? Be curious about your feelings.
One man wrote:
“I'm a really easy going type of person and it doesn't take a lot of effort for me to be happy. I love the outdoors, a warm sunny day and a soft breeze against my face, that is the ultimate".
These are his first two sentences. Can you see that he is trying to get you to feel the warm sun and breeze? These sentences don’t communicate anything about this person.
"A bowl of popcorn and a good movie on a cold and rainy night will also make me very content."
“A cold and rainy night,” and “A dark and stormy night,” are classic introductions to novels or short stories. It’s just a cliché. And, we have so few cold and rainy nights in Southern California that this is always suspicious! I’m surprised that he didn’t include walking on the beach, as these often go together in profiles.
"I've been told that I have a great sense of humor and I tend to be playful when I feel comfortable with another person. I'm also affectionate and caring, I love to hold hands in public and to cuddle in private and sometimes I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve."
Isn’t this just the perfect man? Sense of humor, playful, affection, and caring. And then the heart on the sleeve! The intent is to get you to open to this wonderful, safe man who will of course love you forever. He is right out of a romance novel, and even the expressions on his face portray a hot, sexy guy.
"I don't mind compromising when I don't get my way. My dad was a great roll model for me, I saw the way he treated my mother with love and respect. That had a great influence on how I treat women today, that probably explains why I still open the door for a lady."
Yikes! He comes from a great family, he opens doors, and he will compromise. What more could you ask for?
"I live my life with honesty and integrity and always try to do the right thing whether I'm being watched or not. I treat people the way that I hope to be treated."
Can you believe it? Isn’t this scripted out of a romance novel? But he is not the only person who writes this way.
DON’T BELIEVE ANYTHING THIS MAN SAYS
While he might like popcorn and movies, and open car doors, this global nice-guy presentation is false. He deliberately set out to get women to fall for him - to be swept away. He reveals absolutely nothing real about himself.
His last section talks about valuing friends, always there for them, how family is important, he’ll make time for them, his sons are the center of his universe, and carry his values. Of course he’s financially responsible, a homeowner, has a great work ethic, stays fit, comfortable in both a tux and jeans, and life has been a fantastic journey! I actually laughed when I got to that part.
He is divorced. Did he end it? Did she? Why? There is no allusion to the pain. Was it all her fault, or did he learn something? Not that people talk about their divorces on their dating profiles, but when people present themselves as perfect, we know that a very lot of information is left aside.
WHAT TO BELIEVE
I want to see a person’s humanness. One man said that he use to be shy, but overcame it through requirements of his work. That’s appealing. Those who tell you that they are lonely, or they want companionship, let us see that they experience a need they are wanting to fulfill. Those who can reveal how they love their work, or how they raised a child themselves, show us something about who they are, what their lives are like. But these absolutely wonderful global descriptions do not reveal anything more than a good writer who spins.
Yes, this is spinning.
Otherwise known as exaggerating.
Otherwise known as lying!
YOU DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS OR WHAT HE WANTS
Proceed with caution. Ask a lot of questions and see how he handles them. Be cautious about his compliments as they could very well be used to pull you into a romantic exchange that could end badly. This man is not honest. He is not transparent. He has compartments that you won’t be invited in to. I would recommend passing people like him by and go right on to the next profile.