Healing Avoidant Attachment Style of Loving


Healing Avoidant Attachment Style of Loving
Letting go of Loneliness, Separation, Isolation, and Shame that accompany the avoidant style

Below is an excerpt from my novel coming soon on the healing of Avoidant Attachment. My book on Kindle, Create New Love, teaches how to evaluate our attachment style and that of a date in order to match up. This novel looks at what happens when one partner changes her style.

I thought I was just different until I happened on to a book called Attached. I was stunned when I saw myself there. So of course I got all the other books I could on the subject of Attachment Theory, and dashed around in them, picking up information about myself. I could see that there was actually a sort of diagnosis. Something, anyway, that made sense of my way of life. And that I wasn’t the only one. The authors had actually studied people like me. I could see that it would be possible to learn to be different.


I live with a sense of isolation. I have a quiet husband. No children. Two cats. I work on the computer.

This isolation isn’t caused by others, though. I could go to the lunch room and be around all kinds of people. I could exchange ideas on things we’ve learned. But I have no interest. Well, that isn’t true. I would love to fit in and belong, but it just doesn’t seem gratifying to talk about the weather or the latest tech product. Sometimes I like to listen in on conversations. If they interest me.

I always thought that this is just the way I am. But Attachment Theory suggests that I hold back from others for a reason. That it became habit. That my lack of interest in them is about something other than a real lack of interest.

It’s lonely over here. That must indicate that it isn’t just the way I am, doesn’t it? Are you lonely? Sometimes I think that everyone is. That they find things to do to avoid it, but underneath they are too. After all we live in a false world, one that we agree to believe is correct. A quick look at the different countries’ ways of doing things shows how there isn’t one basic true way of living.

I wrote all of that while sitting in a coffee shop along with lots of other coffee drinkers on computers. We are together while being in our own worlds. Anyway, the couple next to me are having a conversation, and I thought it could be a way to offer you dialog.

The man said, “Babe, you just don’t understand. I love you. Looking at other women doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It’s just something guys do.”

She responded. “It hurts my feelings. You’re here with me but you act like you’re over there with her.” She looked sad but she seemed to be shaming him with her face and voice. I knew how she felt, having had that experience with more than one guy I dated. I assumed it was because I wasn’t talkative and so they had to do something to entertain themselves. But this couple had been interacting.

Article contributed by

Anne Stirling Hastings


Anne Stirling Hasting, Ph.D. Go to my website for free short stories and healing novels for sale.  Explore continuing education on Working With Clients' Sexual Issues. Please check out my book, Reclaiming Healthy Sexual Energy: Revised to learn how to heal sexuality. Then Healing Humanity to understand shaming, and how to stop taking it on. Create New Love puts it all together to prepare you for your next relationship. Kindle loans Dirty Sex or Clean Sex, a novel, and it's companion, Bring Love and Sex Together The Value of Healing Sexual Shame. Check out Video Conferencing therapy groups for Men's Sexuality, and Avoidant Attachment.

Location: Camarillo, CA
Credentials: PhD
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