Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

The Goddess-Whore Split - Why Men Are Confused

Sex

Does he see you as innocent, a goddess, a good girl? Or as slut, whore, bad girl? Or Both?

Below is an excerpt from my novel, Dirty Sex or Clean Sex. Richard finally talks
with a friend about how he seduces a woman and then doesn’t call again.

“Do you have any negative feelings about your wife’s body, George? I’m sorry to intrude, and you don’t have to say anything of course, but I’m struggling with this aversion to nice girls and attraction to bad one’s.”

George looked at me for the longest time with an expression that seemed to convey a number of feelings all at once.

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s hard to explain. I want her so badly all the time, it hurts. I want that loving look, knowing she wants me. And I get so aroused. But when it comes time to do it, things change. I feel bad about it, but a lot of the time I imagine I’m with a hot gal, you know, the porn star image.”

“The whore, yeah? When you love her she’s the goddess and you want so much for that goddess to love on you, make you feel special, and permanent. Right?” I was getting all this down. I wasn’t the only one who had difficulties with the goddess’s body. How crazy to yearn for it, try to get her in the mood, hope she’s receptive. And then be turned off by the nice body? The good girl?

And then we think that we have to have those big breasts, the thin figure, the perfect face and hair. But when she gets implants, works out and learns about hair and makeup, it doesn’t change anything. It can be even more strange to have your goddess look like a whore, but you know very well that she isn’t. What were those sex therapists thinking when they recommended that to clients? Why didn’t they get that we’re just screwed up. And we need to change.

“It does feel crazy, Richard,” George said. “All that yearning for sex, and when I get it, I want to close my eyes and get a blow job. So I don’t have to watch, I don’t have to know this is the good girl. I can make up I’m getting it from a slut, a girl who gives it away and loves it. Or someone I pay who will do what I tell her.

“And porn. That will take me over into the bad arena so I can perform. She’s there, but it’s different. Right? You too?”

“I never tried porn with a good girl,” I said. “I had sex once or twice with each and then I was out of there.” I wondered why I had never thought of using porn. Play a video every time and get off to it.

“What about with your girl, Grace? Not with her either?” George asked.

“Porn with a good girl? I couldn’t make that work. Do you?”

“Only occasionally. I have to talk her into it, and she does it for me. But it does turn her on, and I take her into that dirty sex arena where I’m comfortable.”

“How do you feel the next day?” I asked.

“Like shit. I never thought about it before, but now that you’ve called my attention to it, I really don’t feel good about it. That’s probably why I don’t do it very often. I guess it seems like I’ve defiled her in some way.”

“Isn’t it odd that we think of women as these pure things, who’re contaminated by sex?”

“Yeah, and I guess that’s why when a woman has an affair we’re appalled, but when a man does, he’s seen as just one of those men. We’re the dirty sex guys and they’re the clean sex gals.” George smiled at his image.

“You know, George, I think you’re onto something. Doesn’t it make sense that if women think sex should be clean love making, and we want to ‘make love’ with dirty sex, that a whole lot of conflict would be created?”

My god, this seemed so true. I was a more pronounced example, but the basic associations with sex are there for everyone. They are woven into the culture. The long developed attitude toward male sexuality gets passed down from generation to generation. What a passive form of sexual abuse. Odd how we think that abuse means physical touch of some kind. But our sexuality is abused just by the transmission of the culture’s beliefs about being male.

And then there are those men who are “different.” The one’s who don’t sexualize. Who are attentive to women and their needs. Some of them identify as feminists. I wonder how they perform in bed.

How many of them start out nice, but once in a sexual relationship, have to pull back from sex. Are they one of those guys who beg for it in a way that turns their woman off? So it looks like it’s her, not him?

If you ask a man what he wants sexually in his marriage, won’t he always say lots? All the time? But what actually happens?

“George, do you think we could get the guys together and ask them about this? Have a discussion?”

“Are you kidding? Richard, you have a screw loose if you think our friends would talk openly about sex.”

“Let’s find out, okay? Let’s ask. You and I struggle with how to be sexual. I’m sure they do too.”

“Well, you ask them then. I’ll attend if they agree.”

Read Dirty Sex or Clean Sex: From The Man’s Point of View
on Kindle to get the rest of the story. The ending is great!

 

Explore YourTango