They finally have sex. SHE: It's love! HE: She wants too much. SHE: That's just the way men are.
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Kitty met Matt on an Internet dating site. Where else? She had heard all the stories about men who lied and men who just wanted sex. The coffee dates that turned sour, the second dates that revealed how little they had in common.
And then came Matt. He was funny and smart, a real gentleman, and so cute. He flirted, but in a gentle way that was appealing. No pat dating lines. He seemed real.
They went to movies, to dinner, and on hikes. They kissed on the second date, more on the third, and by the forth had agreed to go to his apartment and see what happened next. They ended up in bed.
Kitty found the sex mechanical. Matt seemed distracted, off somewhere. But no matter, sex meant something. He wanted her. He was her boyfriend.
He didn’t call the next day. Or the day after. Kitty believed that the man should be the one to call, and she checked her phone repeatedly even though she knew it would announce the identity of a caller. What was going on? She talked with four friends asking what she should do, what was happening. Here’s what they came up with. He only wanted to score. She shouldn’t have given in. He was busy, give him time. Call him. Write him off and go back on the dating site. Report him to the dating site. Send him an angry email.
Matt liked Kitty when they met for coffee that first time, so he asked her to dinner. It felt good that she liked him a lot, so he asked for a third and forth date. Good that she seemed to like to hike, although she wasn’t in condition and didn’t have good boots.
Then they had sex. It was odd. She seemed frozen. When they kissed it didn’t feel as if their lips were touching, more like following instructions about how to kiss. She took her clothes off, but she hunched forward so he felt as if he were raping her. Matt really wanted to stop but he was afraid she would feel rejected. He thought he had to get an erection and perform, so he touched his penis to help it along. Still not erect, he thought about a past lover. That did it.
He gently pushed Kitty back on the bed, fondled her breasts, then gave her oral sex. The thought that she might do the same for him didn’t enter his mind, as he was sure she would be terribly uncomfortable. She didn’t have an orgasm after many minutes, so he pulled himself up over her, pulled on a condom, and pushed in. She wasn’t wet or receptive. He looked at her face, hoping for an indication that he should stop or change direction. She didn’t look at him. Her focus was on his waist.
When Matt started moving, Kitty made sounds of pleasure. They didn’t seem real. It was like bad acting. Now even fantasy of the past girlfriend didn’t work, so he upped it with porn images. He called up the classic body shape and facial expression that aroused him, and it kept him going until he came.
Rolling onto his back, he took her hand and held it on his chest. Neither of them said anything. Finally Matt got up. Taking his clothes with him to the bathroom, he dressed while running water. He wished she were gone.
When he returned to the bedroom she was dressed. She was lit up, smiling and happy. She seemed warm and loving, so different than when having sex. She reached for him, kissing him on the cheek.
“Matt, thank you so much. I really care for you. I’m so glad you want me in your life.”
“You are?” he asked. “Really? You didn’t seem glad.”
“You’re great, Matt. Such a good lover, so attentive and caring. I didn’t know what to do with myself.”
Feeling uncomfortable, Matt explained that he needed to get to bed because he had an early work day. He said that he slept better alone, so did she mind driving home? Of course Kitty understood. He had crossed the threshold into the boyfriend department. Nothing would interrupt that. He was hers.
Matt had lunch with his closest friend, the one person he felt comfortable talking openly with.
“Ricardo, what is going on? That was our forth date, the sex was bad, and now she’s acting like we’re married.”
Ricardo shook his head with a little laugh. “That’s the way women are, friend. Many women anyway. Somehow they think that if you screw them you belong to them. Haven’t you encountered that before?”
Matt hadn’t. He had been so occupied with completing college, and then his developing career, he hadn’t dated much. His most serious relationship had been a girlfriend in high school. Both of them had known they were temporary because they were headed for colleges many states away from each other. Their sexual activity had been pleasing to both. This was new for him, a woman moving quickly ahead in a relationship after having sex.
“What do I do? I don’t want to see her again, but just blowing her off seems mean. What would you do?”
“You have to blow her off. It’s worse to go out again when you don’t want to go forward. The question is, do you just not call, or do you tell her? I don’t talk about it, I just move on. But sometimes I think that they should learn about what they did, and I want to say something.”
“How would you do it? What would you say?”
“The mean voices come first. Something like, ‘Listen, bitch, back up. You don’t own me. I didn’t say anything about staying together, did I? I just wanted to screw.’ But I would feel bad all day if I did it like that.”
“Yeah, I can’t do that. What if I said, ‘You know, Kitty, I just don’t think we’re a good match?’”
“I’ve tried that, too, but then they want to know why. They cry, and say but we’re so good together, even that they love you so much. Shit. Then I feel guilty and just want to be away from her.”
After four nights of no contact, Kitty went over to Emma’s house, crying. Emma lived alone in a little house that she had fixed up with warm colors and furnishings. Kitty always felt comfortable with her friend. Tonight it didn’t help.
“What did I do wrong?” Kitty asked in a plaintive voice. “I must have done something wrong.”
“Sweetie, you didn’t do anything. He just got what he wanted and that’s that. You guys had been doing great, yet he’s ending it after having sex. It’s just the way men are.”
“Yeah, it is isn’t it? Why are they like that?”
“Who knows. They brag to their friends about how much they get. They will spend a few dates wooing a woman so they can get it on, and then they’re done. I don’t know how they live with themselves.”
“But I’m in love with him, Emma. I’m in love. I want him. What can I do?”
“If you insist, you could call him. Ask him to talk. See if he’ll explain. I think its better not to, though, so you don’t go through more pain of rejection.”
“I already feel so terrible it can’t be any worse. I was planning the wedding, wondering how long it would be before he proposed. My whole life is gone.”
The women made a plan for Kitty to call Matt. The wrote out a script.
Matt got the message after a meeting. He broke out in a sweat when he heard her say that she really needed to talk about what happened. Preparing for this would take time, he thought, so he sent back a text saying he could meet the next Sunday afternoon. It would have been so much easier to just not respond. Or send a text saying he didn’t want to talk. But he knew he would criticize himself if he did.
Kitty texted back saying three o’clock would work.
The next episode is coming
“Kitty and Ricardo Talk About Bad Sex, Love and Ownership”
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