If a man has not talked about being "exclusive" with you yet, then he's still social courting.
The truth is that most men or most high quality men enjoy "social courting" and will not rush into exclusivity or a long-term commitment. That is unless you know how to talk to a man about becoming exclusive, and you know how to make a smooth transition into a committed relationship without scaring him away by coming across as "needy" and "insecure."
Unfortunately, this is where a lot of women don't understand how things work with men. Have you ever had the talk with a man, or tried to define the relationship, or asked him where things are going or constantly dropped "hints?"
I have to smile to myself when I write that last sentence because I am so aware when women are fishing and testing the waters on this subject with me. If you are like many women, you have probably found that doing this rarely speeds up a man's desire for exclusivity and commitment. Unless he is a needy man, which can mean he will be all over you. And when that happens, I would be asking some serious questions in my mind about such a man.
As with a high quality man, it may well have the opposite effect. Chances are he did not say,"Wow, you know, you are right! We are so awesome together. We should make things exclusive right this second."
Now, I get that men make relationships feel impossible sometimes. And I know it is not funny when you are seeing a man for a while and you still have no clue what he is thinking and where he sees things headed for the two of you.
The reality is that, while you cannot force such a man into commitment, you can lead him into it. Just as a man can lead a woman into a relationship. You might not realize this, but you have the power to make a man want to be with you for an exclusive, committed relationship. You just need to know the specific words and actions that will get him there.
Women write to me constantly about how frustrated they are that the man they are seeing has not given them a solid indication of where things are going with the relationship or even if they are in an exclusive relationship to begin with. These same women will often keep seeing a man, having a physical relationship with him, and becoming more emotionally invested in him even though they feel extremely uneasy about not knowing where the relationship is headed.
I am going to share with you how not to get yourself into this situation in the first place. I am going to share with you how to set things up right from the start so that you and the man you are courting feel great.
The Importance Of Letting Him Know Where You Stand
Talking about becoming "exclusive" and moving into a relationship where it is spoken that he is not courting other women is an important foundation. Without this foundation, I am sure you have felt that knot in your stomach and that nagging uncertainty that gets in the way of you ever feeling comfortable enough to really open yourself up. You cannot really relax until you know this foundation is in place for you.
The thing is, most men do not understand this about women and about relationships. They do not comprehend that a woman simply cannot truly relax and open herself up to love until she knows she can trust the man she is with and that he is loving and loyal. Why?
Because men do not always understand the value of this foundation and feel it the way most women do. If a man is not the one asking you for an exclusive and committed relationship, that means you have to be the one to initiate the conversation. And to be honest most men and women are lousy at this. Setting this foundation for a relationship they just fall into it and assume this is what each other wants.
So, now to the how?
Getting The Exclusivity You Want With A Man
You never want to be in a situation where you are asking a man where you stand with him. Not only does this put you in a vulnerable position, but it assumes that he is the one in control, and it will actually make him feel less attracted to you. Doing this is actually one of the big turn off's for men, and it is a surprisingly common courting strategy women take on that I call becoming the convincer.
Men are simply not attracted to women who try and convince them to be in a more serious relationship with them. They are also not attracted to women who feel that they would need to try and convince a man in the first place. Instead, men are deeply and naturally attracted to women who live their lives and have certain standards when it comes to interacting with men.
And one of the unspoken standards that is most attractive to a man is a woman who is what I call selective.
How Being Selective Makes Him Want Only You
When a man has an easy time having a woman fall for him, or a man sees a woman acting in a way that says she will not be okay without his love and commitment, then a man is turned off and shuts down on a emotional level. This is a man's basic emotional response when he senses a woman needs to move forward too fast too soon.
He senses that the reason she wants to move forward is more about satisfying unmet emotional needs than about true connection and appreciation...and it triggers him to pull away. When this happens, a man sees you as desperate for more, and potentially emotionally unstable rather than seeing you as a woman who is stable and emotionally grounded, no matter how things go in that moment.
The truth is that a man wants the woman he chooses to get closer and open up to have a level of control over her life and her emotional state. So, when he senses this need for a relationship, it sets off red flags for him. And a Masculine Man is certainly aware of this!
More commitment advice on YourTango:
- 3 Steps To Get The Commitment You Want
- 8 Tell-Tale Signs Of A Commitment-Phobe
- I Love You: 15 Ways Guys Say It Without Saying It
This article was originally published at Gender Education for Human Relationships . Reprinted with permission from the author.