You still love him and want him, You need to take a deep internal look at yourself as to WHY?
If you are struggling with a man who has betrayed your trust by cheating and lying and yet you still love him and want to be with him, you need to take a deep internal look at yourself as to "why" you want to be with such a man? If you want help with making that choice of wanting to be with him or leave him, then contact me. I provide a service through Skype. Where you can safely and in confidence explore your feelings and how to deal with such a man after infidelity has occured.
I will tell you if you need to leave him, but I also tell you how to CHANGE him and save your relationship.
I know, you are not supposed to be able to change anyone else, or even WANT to change anyone else, and I would be the first to tell you that, but here is the thing.
If you focus on changing YOU first, on changing what it is that draws you to a man who is hurting you, that makes you feel compelled to create safety when a man is providing NONE for you—and you learn to get stronger, have more boundaries, and STILL open up your heart and stay warm to a man no matter what - he may WANT to change!
Now take you mind back some time to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver and what they can teach us "about lying and cheating in a relationship." I studied the process as to what happened to Maria Shriver and make connections to how to help you.
Let us look at Maria: beautiful, accomplished, famous, powerful, strong, and yet how she could have been fooled by such a continual, major lie by her husband for over 10 years.
And while it is great to know that someone like her can be fooled just like me and you can (and have...) it makes me think.
"If she can't have a good man who creates safety and honesty for her, what chance do many women have?"
Just because Maria has all those famous and powerful things about her does not mean she has an advantage over you. In fact, it actually may be that YOU have much more power when it comes to love and your relationship - because you KNOW so many things about how relationships and honesty works by the articles you read here on Your Tango and on my own website.
Yep, blow my own horn here.
And for me the sexual betrayal here is just one part of this and not even the biggest part! For me it is the lying that makes me crazy. As in my own past I was married to a woman who lied and cheated on me. And if you have had this happen to you, you know it really sucks.
The idea that I would open my deepest heart to someone who is covering up a major part of her life with continual lies about it just makes me cringe.What is it about deceit that is almost worse than cheating in the first place?
I mean, truly we all lie. We lie to protect ourselves. We say we lie to protect other people, and sometimes that is true, perhaps, but mostly we lie to protect ourselves from what would happen if we told the truth.
And if your man lied about being with friends watching sports on TV when actually he was at a club with those friends because he was afraid you would be upset about him being at a club and what he might have been doing there does that mean you would end the relationship? Or if he had a fling with another woman and lied about it, would that be the end of a long marriage? Or if he had a child you did not know about, would that be the end? Or if he had a child you didn't know about but that you KNEW and thought was someone else's, would that end it?
How big does a lie have to be to end things? Where does trust break down? I thought I was really, really firm on this: no lies, no way.
And then I wonder: Do I really want to leave my partner if she had a one-night fling with a man on a business trip? Do I really want to know? Do I really want to deal with knowing? And though I would really, really love to answer "no lies, no way," I consider that not knowing might be nicer. because of experiencing finding out through others which I did when I was married—OUCH!
And then I realize I am looking from here. I am looking from an imaginary place trying to imagine an imaginary thing that feels upsetting even to imagine. And perhaps I would rather die never knowing (assuming it did not happen regularly). I still, if I am going with imagination here, prefer the scenario in the movie "The Firm."
Tom Cruise had a one-night fling (set up by villains so they could blackmail him later.) And then he told his wife so they could not blackmail him. And then there were adventures at the end of which they had a stronger bond, and she decided to forgive him and be done with it.
I like that one better.
In other words, I want to know, and I want to have my options, and I want that information, and I want to make my own choices.
Here again, I am going to relate to a story from my own life. Going back about ten years ago I was in a new relationship with a lovely Woman called Debra (I actually meet her and asked her out in a Tesco's super market. As he was wearing a Renualt F1 Team racing jacket. Turns out she was the PR Manager for the Renualt F1 Motor Racing Team.)
We got together and about 5 months into our relationship, she went out with her friends on a Hen Night. And they went to a house party afterwards.
Well to get to the point, she woke up naked in bed with a guy.
A couple of days later. I noticed she was not in a good space. So I asked what was up. She asked me to sit down and with tears streaming down her face, Debra told me what happened. She got drunk and had sex with the guy. And she was so sorry and upset.
Now I sat there for a while silent. Yep, I could have blown a gasket, called her all the names under the sun, thrown the rattle out of the pram and kicked her butt out.
I did the exact opposite—why?
Well for one, I am Relationship Coach and I know this stuff happens and I have moved on from the days of my marriage.
Two, Debra was being honest with me, taking a big risk and being really "vulnerable" and showing trust in me. I sat there for what seemed ages, then I blew her away with what I calmly said next.
"Shit happens. Even to the best of us. Don't do it again."
I took her hand, lead her to the bedroom, threw her on the bed and made red hot love and totally "ravished" her. We were together 3 great years before a career opportunity come along in Australia, and I wanted her to take it. I could not leave with her as I am a father. And my son was 6 years old at the time.
I have no regrets about my time I shared with her. Debra was one of the best women I have ever known. So how much lying can you do in a relationship and still maintain intimacy? That, to me, there is only one answer to this question. And I want to say none. Absolutely none. You cannot lie and share real intimacy in a relationship.
And yes, that is pretty high-handed of me. I think and feel I can say that through personal and professional experience. And a lot of people will agree with me! Do I really want to know everything, or do I just think I do? For this one, the deceit, you would think, would make you doubt Arnold and Maria's level of intimacy. And that is an assumption I am not anywhere near qualified to make.
It just triggers me big time. And yet going so public like this, she has no choice but to leave.
So, what would you do? I would leave the house, as Maria did (unless the hotel is better!) They say Arnold refused to leave, and so Maria moved herself and the kids into a hotel. But I have to assume that Maria got some good advice and knew what she was doing.
It sort of takes the word humiliating to a new level. And that is what lies do. They feel humiliating. What is it for you? Is it the long lies or the cheating that hurt worse?
For me, if a woman wanted to be with another man, we would either work it out or we would not. And I would feel in some sort of control.
WHEN SOMEONE CHEATS AND THEN LIES - YOU FEEL COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.
Do you feel completely not in control of your own life and future. As though you have been living with blinders on in a box.
There's a lot of crying and healing to be done, and with the bad, the truth is, that there is always a lot of good, too.
Some people have open marriages so there is no real cheating or lying. There are simply others in the relationship. At least you get to be part of that agreement.
IF YOU TRY TO PROTECT YOURSELF, YOU SHUT DOWN.
Instead, what you want to do is gather information. You make your best choice from moment to moment, you feel what you feel and expand your intuition to it's fullest abilities, and then you take what comes as it comes.
You trust yourself, you trust that you are loved, and you go with it.
It is when you ignore what you feel and what you intuit, when you make excuses and choose the good over the bad that you have to know you have actually made wise choices.
Not to say that Maria could have intuited anything if Arnold was such a great liar (or simply a great withholder of information) and able to live with lying or fuzziness about the truth.
Righteousness does not feel all that good, either. And living in fear about it feels worse.
Just talking about it feels better.
What do you feel about this?
Loving a man who lies and cheats on you?
I would love to hear from you how this whole concept of lying sits with you, and if past experiences with lying men have made you stop trusting yourself.
I so much want to help you trust yourself again, and to STAY OPEN emotionally no matter what.
Determine once and for all whether your man is truly toxic or a good guy in disguise – and how to tell "minor flaws" you can work with from "tragic flaws" that mean he is too dangerous to be with so you can save yourself a lot of pain and get out before investing your precious time and heart
Learn why it NEVER works to try to treat the symptoms of a toxic relationship, and how to address the CAUSE instead...knowing this will give you a new perspective that will completely change your relationships for the better
See how shifting the "third presence" - that is, the space that is between you and your man - can bring you the close, connected relationship you have been craving...and how it will TRANSFORM your man without him even knowing it
I know that once you look at yourself and your man from this perspective, and know that you ARE strong enough to deal with the truth and with a man who HONOURS the truth.
Everything will change for you.
As always, leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.
Average men and women know only the rules.
Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!
For Love, Passion and Intimacy...
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For More On Infedility From YourTango:
- How To Save Your Marriage When You Feel Hopeless [EXPERT]
- How to Move On From A Painful Breakup
- Divorce: Expert Advice & Survival Tips