If & When It's Really Time To Go [EXPERT]

Breaking up is harder to do when we are not sure if or when.  But those, as it turns out, are not really the right questions.  The question isn't if or when, the question is how does one know, how do we become sure?

The surest way to avoid surety:  We avoid being sure when we do the work our partners are supposed to be doing, hoping they'll do it.  We avoid being sure when we pretend things are true in the relationship that aren't really true.  In short, we avoid being sure, when we bargain.  IF I do this, THEN he'll do that.  IF I make all the arrangements for the promises he was supposed to keep and didn't, THEN it will be like he kept his promises and I won't have to realize that he doesn't keep promises.  IF I keep on telling her how much I need her to avoid overspending, THEN she'll stop overspending and things will be okay.  IF I can learn to live without the affection I really truly desire and even need, THEN things will go along smoothly. 

These bargains and others like them keep us from getting sure about what's really going on in the relationship because they mask reality.  They allow us to convince ourselves that things that are not okay are really okay.  They even keep us from communicating effectively in ways that might really solve problems and create intimacy.

How to become sure: 

1)  Stop bargaining.  Right now.  Stop.  Stop doing his relating jobs for him.  Stop nagging hoping she'll change.  Stop compromising who you are to have him. 

2) Start paying attention to how you feel when she....  Do you like what he does in his relationship with you?  Do you dislike it?  Do you hate it?  Do you find yourself frequently wishing she would change?  Is a good majority of your time, both with and away from him, spent satisfactorily? These are important questions to ask and answer.  Perhaps you want to ask and answer them on paper so you can more easily catch yourself trying to trick yourself into believing the untrue.

3)  Stop bridging all the gaps.  Think of your relationship for a moment  with this image.  You are standing on one side of the gorge and he is standing on the other.  Who is building the bridge between you?  Are you both?  Or do you do all the work of communicating, or relating.  He's not much of a communicator, so you either try to drag communication out of him, or you just make assumptions about what he's feeling without his ever having to tell you.  She's jealous so you make sure that you are constantly reassuring her that you are not seeing or talking to anyone else.  He's rageful at times, so you tippy-toe around on egg-shells so that he won't get mad.  These are the ways that we bridge the gaps.  In a healthy relationship each partner builds his or her part of the bridge so that they can meet in the middle and look down at the glorious river flowing beneath their feet.