Research by social psychologist J. M. Gottman, reported in What Predicts Divorce, has shown that it's not angry exchanges that predict divorce but four kinds of negativity that corrode the love you have for each other. These four variables increase the odds of getting a divorce to 85%:
1. Criticism: Attacking your lover's character.
2. Defensiveness: Denying responsibility when you screw up.
3. Contempt: Insulting, abusive comments to your lover.
4. Stonewalling: Emotionally withdrawing and not listening to your lover.
If we add the following six variables to the mix, the odds of getting a divorce are increased to 90%:
1. Emotional distancing and isolation.
2. Emotional flooding: Overwhelming each other with the others stress.
3. Overestimating the severity of problems.
4. Refusal to work out problems.
5. Living parallel lives.
6. Feeling lonely all the time.
When we meet with couples the first time, we take a full 2 hours to discover the deeper insights that make it easier to identify the above mistakes, mistakes that all serious lovers make in committed, long-term relationships.
Andre Moore, M.A., Director of Marriage Couples Counseling and Life Coaching in New York City http://www.marriage-couples-counseling-new-york.com/