The Rules For Knowing If Your Relationship Will Work

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relationship problems
Is your relationship doomed because you're giving too much?

We've all been there, hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't seem to be putting in nearly as much effort into making things work. Just because we love someone doesn't mean the relationship will work — and just because we think they are perfect for us doesn't mean they actually are. It also doesn't mean they feel the same.

Are You Giving Too Much?
Relationships should not be 50/50. All that means is you're both giving half efforts into making it work. It should be 100 percent from both sides. There will be times when you will need to give more than you get and vice versa. But being the one who's consistently giving 100 percent to someone who's only giving 20-40 percent consistently is not healthy either.

 

The key is knowing when we've reached the point where we're giving too much for someone who is clearly not as interested in putting any real effort into making the relationship work.

You can't have a one sided-relationship. No one can carry the entire relationship on their own shoulders by being the only one doing all the work. We're not super heroes. Yes, it seems to work for awhile, but believe me, eventually you grow tired of being the only one doing all of the work or constantly compromising your values or giving in for someone that just never seems to do the same. We can eventually become bitter, frustrated, angry and may even appear "clingy" to our partner because our emotional needs just aren't being met.

Will It Work?
Time and time again I answer questions from readers who ask the same basic question, "will it ever work?" They find themselves putting in the majority of the effort all of the time, or they feel they are perfect for someone who says they want to date other people or wants them to do things they are uncomfortable with to keep them around.

First of all, if anyone ever makes you do something you're not comfortable with, i.e. text/email naked pictures, mutual masterburation over skype, threesomes, etc. this is a huge red flag. It's one thing to be in a longterm, committed, emotionally fulfilling relationship where one partner is encouraging their partner to try new things. But dating someone who makes it seem like they won't stay interested unless you do these things is a huge no-no. This is a trap and he is using you to get what he wants. Stay far AWAY.

And why would you want to stay with someone who uses such things over your head? Why would you want to be with a guy who wants to sleep with other women and you just because you think you're perfect for each other? Is letting him sleep with other women going to get you the relationship you want? Do you honestly believe you're not capable and worthy of finding a guy who will love you and only you? I know the dating pool can seem like a shallow puddle at times, but there are literally millions of men on the planet earth. I know you've dated more than one, so there are plenty more out there.

And let me make one thing extremely clear to you. The minute you compromise your values for someone else, you've just given them permission to do the same to you. If you don't respect yourself enough to stick to your values and position, then why should they?

Second, if someone makes it clear they're not interested in marriage or a serious monogamous relationship, whether now or ever, continuing to stay hoping they will change their mind is only setting youself up for false expectations and a mountain of pain later when they don't. Yes, I realize that we've all dated that guy who said he never wanted to get married and then broke up with us and married the next gal they went out with. What that means is they truly thought they weren't ready at that time, or maybe they knew we weren't right for them and didn't know how else to let us down gently without using such an excuse.

Just Because We Think Someone Is Right For Us Doesn't Mean We Are Right For Them.
We can't force them to stay around until their light comes on. And by light I'm referring to the Sex and The City episode where Miranda says that men are likes cabs, they aren't ready to marry until their light goes on and then boom! they marry the next girl that gets in. They continued to say that some men drive around for years picking up passengers without their light being on. I actually believe this is a good metaphor. But the reality of the situation is you can't stay with a guy hoping his light will go on. His light may never go on, or it may never go on with you.

Don't Ignore The Red Flags.
The biggest problem with wondering whether or not a relationship will work is ignoring the red flags or failing to accept the terms one mate has made. If someone says they want to date you but they aren't ready for a serious relationship, and you are, this is a red flag for you. It doesn't mean they are a bad person or that you couldn't be happy together. What it means is that you will be putting pressure on someone to commit when they've made it clear they don't want to right now, for whatever reason.

You're also settling for less than you deserve by taking yourself off the market for someone who's made it clear they aren't willing to do the same. Eventually you'll either push them away or over the breakup edge by becoming impatient when they continue to stick to their position. And how long are you willing to wait? A year? Two years? Four years? Some people stay around for years hoping their partner will commit and five plus years later, they're still waiting convincing themselves that because their partner hasn't cut them loose means they have some semblance of a commited relationship. Often times after many years of waiting, the partner who wants commitment is extremely unhappy in the relationship but won't leave because they've already invested so many years into their partner and the thought of starting over seems too daunting. Keep Reading ...

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Anabelle Bugatti MFT-Intern, MS, NCC, Officiant

Counselor/Therapist

Anabelle Bugatti

Counselor/Therapist Intern

Wedding Officiant &

Your Tango Expert

 

Location: Las Vegas, NV
Credentials: MFTI, MS, NCC
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