Unpack Your Baggage And Other Things To Do Before You Date Again

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baggage
Would YOU date you?

Are you dateable? When we take the time to find out who we are and what we want in life (and from a relationship!) then we are on the path to finding a truly wonderful relationship. We are clear. When we are confident in who we are and what we bring to the table, we date not because we need to be in a relationship. We come from a place of strength and power. We are fully open to giving and receiving love. We are ready for a genuine, loving relationship.

  1. Love yourself.

If you don't love yourself, who will? We can't expect others to love us any more than we love ourselves, or to treat us better than we treat ourselves. Loving ourselves means loving that extra five or fifty pounds. Loving ourselves means loving ALL of ourselves, especially those parts we don't like. Time to put a drop of love on all those parts of ourselves we don't like.

  1. What interests do you want to share with your significant other?

Do you dream of having romantic evenings and hot sex? That's wonderful and I'm all for that, but how do you spend your time together? Do you go to football games, hike or travel the world, go shopping or sit on the couch watching TV? Some things I love to do with my girlfriends and would never expect a romantic partner to do with me. A couple was recently in my office and he wanted her to go on long trips with her, sharing his motorcycle—but she had no intention of ever riding a motorcycle. What if they had both loved going to Rolling Stones Concerts instead?

  1. What values are important to you?

Couples with shared values tend to have more stable and happier relationships. What values do you say are important to you? Would your friends say that those are your values based on the way you live your life? The way we live our life shows what are values actually are. So what are these for you? When you are dating, don't go by the values he says he has instead notice what he actually does. Those are his real values.

  1. What are your "must haves"?

I encourage you to write your laundry list of everything you want and do not want in a relationship. Some are negotiable. Some are not. A good sense of humor is one of my non-negotiables. I want a guy with a healthy sense of humor that respects himself and others and does not negate, make fun of or put others down. I want someone I can laugh with who can also take life seriously. Your non-negotiable just has to be true for you. Here's the trick: whatever your non-negotiables are also need to be true for you.

  1. What are your "deal breakers?"

What are three things that you know that you can absolutely not live with? Things we don't like are not the same as deal breakers; none of us are perfect. To be in a long term relationship with someone, we must be able to accept them 'warts and all.' That said, mean spirited is one of my deal breakers. Give me someone who constantly criticizes or puts me or others down, and I'm out in a flash.

  1. Make peace with your past.

We all come with baggage, from childhood, from past relationships and from life. If we are still angry with an ex or mad about something that happened when we were seven, we are not fully available for a healthy relationship. Forgiveness is not for others, not for the people who hurt us, but for us. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It just means giving up our anger, sadness and fear about what happened and no longer letting the past control us.

  1. Don't put your life on hold.

You are okay—in fact, you are amazing just as you are. I've seen too many women, myself included—so yes, this comes from personal experience—put their lives on hold while waiting for a relationship. We are worthy and whole whether or not we are in a relationship. What do you love to do? Do it. Don't wait. We are actually much more interesting, alive and even datable when we are doing what we love. Follow your dreams! Follow your passions! As Nike says, "Just do it!"

  1. Remember, dates are not "fixer-upper" opportunities.

I used to run a workshop called "The Seeds of Divorce are in the First Three Dates." We tend to overlook those minor annoyances that become major later on. If he's rude to the waitress, just wait—he'll be rude to you. We think, "Oh, he'll change." Famous last words and he never does. Take your deal breakers seriously. Don't make exceptions, you will always regret it.

  1. Be yourself!

Know who you are and be that person. Easier said than done. You were put on this earth to be yourself, not a copy of someone else. You have a unique set of gifts, talents and passions. You are a unique as any snowflake. Know who you are and be that person. Women tend to give up parts of themselves in relationships. Bad idea! Eventually we become resentful of who we have become and what we have given up. You are amazing just as you are. Be your authentic self.

  1. Would you date you?

This is the litmus test. If you can say yes, go for it. You are datable. You know who you are and you are okay with all of you, even the parts of you that you don't like. If not, what gets in your way? Let's get started figuring that out. Call or email me for a complimentary coaching session. You're worth it!

Amelia empowers women to gain clarity in life's transtions by trusting their inner wisdom to create successful outcomes. For a complimentary coaching session to see if Amelia's coaching is right for you, contact Amelia at Amelia@inneroutcomes.com.

Photo: WeHeartIt

This article was originally published at http://inneroutcomes.com. Reprinted with permission.

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Amelia Barnes

Relationship Coach

Amelia Barnes, Life and Relationship Coach

Love yourself and create the life of your dreams!

Inspiring women in midlife to have clarity in who they are, confidence in what they want to create in the next chapter of their life ... and the courage to make it happen. Amelia empowers people pleasers, perfectionists and procrastinators to create the next chapter of their lives.  

LIKE me on Facebook at Inner Outcomes.

Download 7 Tips to Create the Next Chapter of Your Life and register to recieve more helpful tips from Amelia.

Call Amelia today to schedule a complimentary coaching session to see if you and Amelia are a good fit for coaching at 317.688.7278 or email her at Amelia@InnerOutcomes.com.

 

Location: Indianapolis, IN
Credentials: LMHC, MA, MBA, MFT
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