Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

The Mirror Effect

pic
Heartbreak, Love

The World is a looking glass it give back to every man a true reflection of his own thoughts. Buddha

One of my most passionate beliefs is that whatever we are seeing, feeling and being part of on the outside is nothing more than a mirror of who we believe we are. It is merely a manifestation of our true sense of self worth.

It is why I became a Relationship Transformation Coach, in order to be able to help women to work with their own sense of self. As a woman, wife, worker and mother I know a lot about the sense of “selfish” and putting my (sometimes most basic needs) on hold. We can carry this self-sacrifice as a badge of honour, somehow showing how powerful and resilient we are. We hold the idea that self sacrifice will get us special recognition – this reminds me of my mid- wife (slightly against the normal policy) who told me to take whatever was on offer if that is what I wanted, because no-one is going to give a certificate for my suffering; well for me it is kind of like that in life to. We want recognition for our sacrifice, we want respect and love because we are putting everyone before ourselves. We want to be seen as strong and worthy in the eyes of others because we are forever available and always ready to step up to whatever situation presents itself. We are constantly chasing our tails to please others in the hope that they notice and acknowledge our efforts. Of course it isn’t that they don’t – but we have created a situation that is entirely normal for others, they see it as the expected rather than the unexpected and whenever have you received praise for your normal actions….most probably absolutely never! What happens though is that we begin to feel angry and resentful at others, your husband who takes you for granted and never listens to you, your colleagues who always just expect that you will pick up the slack, the kids who do nothing and expect everything. You mother who either demands you attention or gets hurt if you aren’t playing “in role.”

When life is like this it is really easy to get caught up naming and shaming other people and their shortcomings, but how about we stop for a moment and try something completely different.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein

Lets recap - I truly believe that our external situation is merely a mirror of our own sense of self worth, Can you allow yourself to believe this is the truth for a moment? Are you willing to go a step further and believe that you are the creator of your own situation, if so then everything that is at this precise moment is the culmination of your life’s decision-making and sense of self.

What this means is you have created your own reality and you are exactly where you need to be, in order to make lasting changes in your life; which will be reflected in the quality of the relationships you create. The idea is to discover the real, authentic you and present that to the world, ditching the version you believe the world needs you to be.

I can tell you I was terrified at the thought of allowing the real me out, I was so conditioned, both by circumstance, situation and my own thinking to believe that I wasn’t enough just as I was, that I had to perform in a certain way to be loved, accepted and feel I had a reason to exist; so going inside for me was the single biggest bravest act of my life. I had to make peace with me and all my imperfections. I worked really hard on accepting myself, loving myself and beginning to believe that I was worthy. I realised that it was false pride that kept me small, I was so especially useless and unlovable as I was – can you imagine the universe singled me out to be worse than everyone else, how ridiculous and how egotistical to believe this could be true. I laugh now – but I was horrified when I saw this for the first time, I tried everything to deny, but now I know that in order to be the best version of me, for me and others and to create and maintain loving, healthy and meaningful relationships – I need to own my story, but more than that I need to share my true self with the world. I need to show myself as I really am. I had to voice my fears firstly to myself, then I had to share them with someone I could trust to continue loving me and not be offended my imperfections, I also had to voice my deep rooted ideas of being less than, useless and having no reason to exist. The most amazing thing happens though when we actually voice these long held beliefs – they absolutely lose their power and you become empowered in equal measure. The more willing you are to honestly show your true self the more powerful you become and (this is the magic part) the more more you command the respect, love and consideration so craved.

I don’t recommend you start an outpouring with just anyone you meet, but if you have someone who supports you, accepts you and encourages you, someone empathetic rather than sympathetic I urge to take that next step. Look inside and own your story, your fears and beliefs about who you are.

The mirror effect works both ways – people treat you as you are willing to be treated and you set the example on how you treat yourself.

To know more on how Allison Reiner works and how she can help you, check out her website www.allisonreiner.com, email her at allison@allisonreiner.com. Or to get working immediately, why not download her 5 step worksheet to help identify where you can begin to make changes? Click here: http://allisonreiner.com/marketing-rocket/five-steps-to-self-love To get to know Allison join her Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Loveisaninsidejob

 

 

Author
Expert

Expert advice

Save your breath because you only need two words to make him commit.
Are you REALLY thinking about their happiness?
If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
It seems like you can't do anything right.
Contributor