Not owning your emotions, thoughts and feelings will ruin your relationship
Without meaning to be controversial I would like to offer an alternative to the current thinking of making peace with anger, dropping the blame game and living in a bubble of bliss. It is great if you are in the happy ever after phase of a Walt Disney fairy-tale – but how does that work out for you if you are in a miserable, combative rather than communicative marriage. If your biggest dream is to get through this weekend without losing your cool or crying in front of the kids then read on.Lets embrace the blame, lets breathe into the anger and resentment. If you are hurt take a moment to acknowledge it.
- Get it out, what happened?
- How are you feeling?
- What are you thinking?
So here’s the thing – for years I made sure I never pointed the finger of blame and certainly worked hard to control my anger – after all aren’t we always told that we live better when when we are fully responsible for our own happiness and blame doesn’t feature as a solution. So I suppose you imagine I’m not about to tell a lovely tale of how happy and connected I was, how wonderful life was when I wasn’t blaming and shaming for my circumstances, uhm No! What actually happened is the more I felt hurt by other people’s actions and the more I resisted pointing the finger of blame the more isolated I became. It is pretty difficult to feel pissed off and not confront others or admit to it; so for me the only logical solution was to keep distance from the guilty parties and watch as my world shrank in ever decreasing circles. Eventually I am pleased now to say I got miserable enough in my isolation and sought a solution, which for me was an honest appraisal of my thoughts, beliefs and feelings.That is my story and that is why I am so bloomin’ passionate about pointing the finger of Blame – not because I want you to have power over me, not even because I want you to change but simply because something magical happens when we admit what we feel (even if it only to ourselves). You begin building a relationship with self, that is impossible to do when you are denying part of who your are.What happens when you suppress the feelings that go with hurt, anger and resentment – you push them down deep inside and they begin to poison you. They permeate your thoughts, it is difficult to live in gratitude with all this vitriol and hurt buried inside, it starts to poison your body, physically you body suffers, sicknesses, pains and sometimes life-threatening diseases. Mentally you are anguished, you begin to lose faith in humanity and begin focusing on the negative stuff.This shocked the life of me, we physically make ourselves sick by holding in our negative emotions and feelings. What is more shocking is we behave like this mostly because that is what society expects. There are so many conditions put on us to behave in a certain way and certainly talking our truth is frowned upon.Absolutely we are responsible for own happiness, our own well-being and our own state of mind, but for as long as we kowtow to societal norms, peer pressure, familial indoctrination how can we take responsibility.Isn’t it time to rewrite the rule book to suit ourselves, to give us the best chance at happiness and living well in our own skin; because lets be honest if you are not happy with who you are how can you possibly create authentic real relationships with anyone?So lets use those feeling, thoughts and hurts that we are carrying deep inside, lets shine the light on them, see them for what they are and extract all the possible information we can.
- Why are we so hurt by these situations, those words etc.?
- Why so I allow this person to say or do these things?
When you can begin to answer this type of question you are well on your way to taking charge of your own state of contentedness. You can alter your thinking patterns, your beliefs and your actions and this will lead to the change in other people’s behaviour or not. Then you are able, in full knowledge and understanding to make a decision about this person, this relationship. Do they deserve me in their life or not?The more you do it, the more you get to know yourself and the faster it becomes to identify the triggers and the more automatic it is to take a step inside and do the inner work necessary to resolve the problems.Paradoxically the more we are willing to own our thoughts and reactions to other people’s behaviour the less we will live in blame and resentment. When you feel these triggers coming up you will, with time know what to do. They are merely a mirror of what is at work on the inside. The more experienced you become in accepting and admitting to your feelings the easier it becomes to distance yourself from the source of the discomfort and look within yourself with compassion to understand where you need to heal.So if I had to offer advice it would be this: don’t fall victim to the notion that it is wrong to voice you feelings and your hurts. If the intention is to learn a lesson are opposed to changing other people then you will be amazed at the information these little whispers in your mind hold.Blame with the hope of changing someone’s behaviour is futile, it is exhausting, demoralizing and plain senseless. It’s intention is less about taking responsibility and more about handing your power away. It will never show you the truth and will achieve nothing but a constant struggle to win a battle.So I would urge to go ahead and start uncovering all those hurts and angers which you have hold over you and accept them with love and compassion an a desire to understand their message to you - that is where you will find your own power and really become fully responsible for your happiness.
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This article was originally published at The huffington Post. Reprinted with permission from the author.