The myth about blame doesn't serve us in our relationships anymore.
I know, I know, it goes against the grain to promote the blame word, but what if that is exactly what you need to do to change your relationship story?
Are you feeling isolated, disheartened and pretty flat in your relationship at the moment? Confused by the situation and hoping it will all sort itself out?
Well, I really hope it does, but just in case it doesn’t, then I want to let you know that there is one fantastic, fool-proof, 100 percent successful method that I discovered.
And that method is to take control of the relationship and make whatever changes needed in order to... drum roll please... point the finger of blame.
"What is she saying?" you cry.
You know that blaming others for your unhappiness is wrong. People don’t need to see that they've hurt you. They don’t need to see that vulnerable sensitive side of you and if you go blaming others, they may just retaliate. Or, they may leave you or just not like what they see.
"No no no, I’m keeping my hurts under-wraps, she doesn’t know what she is talking about," you say.
That was my reaction when I was asked to openly examine the hurts and the resentments I pushed down inside. I believed I was responsible for my happiness or unhappiness as was the current situation. I also knew that blaming our situation on someone else was not the solution.
SO I kept the blame, the anger and the resentments buried deep down. I never confronted my husband (or anyone) on perceived hurts or grievances. I took it, pushed it down and moved on, looking for ways to be happy.
Occasionally, exploding relieving the tension, but more or less, I was carrying on as if I was truly happy.
What a lie, what a heavy burden, one that eventually takes its toll — and that's why I'm pretty damn passionate about pointing that finger of blame. And no, it's not to apportion it, it isn’t about self-flagellation or self-righteous nodding and teeth sucking.
The point is, how can you, in all seriousness, know what you need to do to live in true happiness if you are denying yourself the ability to understand what you're hurting for?
In order to know what needs to change you first need to examine what you are feeling, what is happening and how it affects your life.
We aren’t really interested in the "he said/she said" arguments or how many times you have cooked dinner this month. What we're interested in is understanding why that makes you unhappy. What does it touch in you?
For instance here is a big one for me: I felt like the housekeeper at times in my own home. It didn’t make me feel like an equal in my marriage. It touched my sense of self-worth.
It happened, not because my husband didn’t think I was his equal, but because I didn’t feel equal — not to him and not to anyone. This meant I put people before me, my husband, kids, colleagues friends — and then I resented it. I was nowhere in my top 10 most important people, let alone my number one.
My husband took his led from me. He was guided by the rules I had set he didn’t understand because he wasn’t treating me differently to how I treated myself.
I, of course. felt unloved, disrespected, ignored, and it only served to reinforce my belief that I am not enough.
Where does this come from? Frankly, I don’t think this is viable for our purpose. What's important is that we want to shift our thinking and that's where the finger of blame in a relationship is a necessity.
If you don’t acknowledge these emotions and feelings there can be no way to heal them.
This is of course other fallout when we don’t acknowledge ourselves — we are denying our partner the same privilege. Let's be absolutely clear here, it's one of the most precious gifts we have: to allow someone to know the real us.
So I would urge you, if you haven’t yet pointed the finger of blame (and here is the secret to its success: you don’t need to involve your partner in this), get pointing, and let it all out, only then you can begin to understand why and what to do about it.
To know more on how Allison Reiner works and how she can help you, email her at email@example.com. Or to get working immediately, why not download her 5 step worksheet to help identify where you can begin to make changes? Click here.