Say Yes to the Sex: How to Keep the Spark Alive


Say Yes to the Sex: How to Keep the Spark Alive
There are always a million reasons to say no to sex. Read on to see what happens when you say yes.

2. Remember that there is always a reason to say no (but say yes anyway…most of the time) – If you watch movies or television shows you may have learned that sex is something that is ALWAYS wanted and welcomed, fueled by a never ending supply of heat and need. In real life, however, our minds and bodies don’t work this way. Sadly, if we wait to “want it,” we may be waiting a very long time and that kind of delay can wreak havoc on the relationship. Sometimes we have to initiate when we don’t feel like it or say yes when it’s the last thing on our minds. Here is why:

a.  Because when we are truly focused on the moment (the sensation of touch, what it feels like to be near our special person etc) our drive will start to ignite within the first few minutes and then you will legitimately “want it” after that.

b. Because when we take the bull by the horns or “say yes,” we remember that we are sexual beings capable of more than fulfilling work commitments, child care, chores and running errands. This fact adds an excitement and vitality that can rejuvenate not only your sense of self but your relationship as well. 

c. Because having sex consistently recharges the positive energy between mates, creating more of a willingness and ability to meet each other’s non sexual needs as well (I.e. Going out with friends, picking up an item at the store, cooking dinner, cleaning out the garage etc)

d. Because sex and romance often go hand in hand.  Craving more romance? Cultivate the sexual component of your partnership. Physical intimacy increases the endorphin release in our brains, bonding us more tightly to our mates and this sense of closeness can spark creativity in the expression of that connection.

3. Don’t panic. Nothing is 100% - To be clear, the necessity of initiating or “saying yes” doesn’t mean that you have to be ready and willing ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it really is a bad or difficult moment and it’s more than okay to say no or ask to pursue things later in the day or week. In a healthy relationship, you want to end up averaging somewhere around 80-90% effort in your sex life (barring of course, illness, life emergencies etc).  This simply means that you will be MORE receptive to your other half’s advances or heat things up of your own volition.

4. Together, you set the “normal” – There is no standardized amount of sex you “should” be having.  You as a couple know what is “normal” for you and there is no reason to deviate from that number if you don’t wish to.  This is simply about staying cognizant of your “normal” and working to maintain the frequency or get back to your level.

Unless you have both agreed upon an asexual partnership, sex has to be on par with any other “relationship must” including communication, compromise and trust. Say “yes” to the sex and watch the sparks come alive, popping and crackling like fireworks. 

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT


Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT



Location: Beverly Hills, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Life Transitions
Other Articles/News by Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT:

Release Your Inner Nerd To Save Your Relationship


I have typically had a very love/hate relationship with math, but despite this fact, it truly has many uses. Did you know that understanding just one basic principle has the power to re-shape your entire relationship? I call it the "80/20 Rule." In a strong, healthy partnership, you typically get about 80 percent of your needs met, leaving 20 ... Read more

Ready For Something New? Try "Gut Checking" To Help Face Fears


As a psychotherapist, I've never been a fan of making New Year's resolutions. It's a popular tradition and provides great fodder for conversation, but often, it merely serves to set us up for disappointment if we haven’t achieved true readiness. But how do we know if that time has arrived? Take a look at my fool proof method ... Read more

10 Keys to Deeper Communication with Your Mate


By now, we've all heard that communication is imperative to maintaining a healthy relationship. But what does communication really mean? It's much more than a mere exchange of words. When the years have taken their toll and physical and mental vitality have waned, words are the one enduring aspect of a relationship, because they never fade. While ... Read more

See More


Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.