Not long ago, I was jabbering with a bunch of girlfriends. One of them was complaining that her husband had been rude to her earlier in the day. She said, “There’s one thing I know and it’s this. He’s not getting any tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or the night after that.”
Ah, sex withholding. I know it. I’ve done it. I’ve gotten past it. I no longer do it. Here’s why:
When you withhold sex in order to get back at your spouse, you punish yourself twice. The first time happens when you don’t speak up for yourself. Your spouse can’t read your mind and does not have ESP. Chances are, he’s not going to have any idea why you're not in the mood. He’s not going to ever in a million years jump to the conclusion that you are giving him the brush off because he left his dirty tighty-whities on the kitchen floor where your mother happened to find them when she stopped by to drop something off. That means he’s going to leave his underwear on the kitchen floor — or somewhere else — again.
The second punishment happens when you deny yourself the pleasure of orgasm. You might think you are punishing your spouse when you withhold sex, but you really just end up hurting yourself!
Here are four more sex mistakes unhappy couples make:
1. They Wait For The Mood To Strike
You might've naturally felt in the mood when you were younger and more relaxed. As career stress and parenting obligations pile up, however, the mood may not naturally surface as often as it once did. If you wait for the mood to mysteriously develop, you might be waiting for the rest of your life.
2. They Refuse To Take Sex Ed
Unless you're one of those rare people who makes a habit of studying and learning all you can about sexual techniques, what you know about sex you probably learned through trial and error. That might be well and good if your only sexual goal is this: making a baby. Chances are, however, you want more out of your sex life, and you deserve to have more. Sexual pleasure is not necessarily intuitive or instinctual. Learn as much as you can — you won't regret it.
3. They stay in their comfort zone.
Do you have a series of moves that get you and your partner to orgasm rather consistently? I have one word for you: Bo-ring. The more regimented and predictable your sex life, the less fulfilling it will become. Spice things up! Try new locations, positions, and techniques.
4. They make it all about the money shot.
The most satisfying aspects of sex generally take place during foreplay. The longer a relationship lasts, however, the more likely foreplay gets shortened and ignored. How can you pleasure one another without taking off your pants? Get creative.
Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, which tells the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to renewing her wedding vows.