One of my readers emailed me the other day with an interesting question. She told me that she met a guy online, exchanged phone numbers, exchanged some very flirty and sexy texts and then went on a first date. By the time they met, there was hardly any conversation and the whole thing escalated to sex. They had sex a few more times (dirty, aggressive and full of sexual role-play) but she never expected this to go any further.
After a short while, the guy started to show a different side—a caring side, where he even cooked for her on one occasion. She knows this guy lusts for her but isn't really sure if anything else could blossom here so she asked me:
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"Is there any possibility for a relationship after sex on the first date? Or is sex on the first date a relationship killer?"
To give you a clear answer, yes, a relationship can come from something that started with sex on the first date. Now, let me explain why.
In reality, there are actually some men out there that will never ever date a girl that sleeps with them on the first date, just because they have that principle. On the bright side, such limited men, are also found in very limited proportion, which means the majority of guys (the ones that really count) don't really care.
What most men really care about is the way in which sex happened. For example, if you met a guy and had hours of amazing conversation and really made a genuine connection, sex is something that could naturally occur if things just take a natural course. If that was the case, then the chances of a relationship blossoming here are as good as any other scenarios. Actually, in many cases, if things take a natural course (toward sex on the first date), that can actually help the situation. It's something that many call "passion" or "love at first sight". Quite frankly, denying sex just because you have principles in a scenario in which sex is the most logical and emotional next step, can have a negative effect on that relationship potential.
However, if you just jump into bed with a guy after creating virtually no connection at all, nothing more but some sexy banter and verbal foreplay, that will work against you in terms of evaluation for a potential relationship. That being said, there's still hope if you don't fall into the category of genuine connection before sex. Just so you know, the guy won't date you for sex, he'll just want to see you in circumstances that allow more sex to happen. Sex and relationship feelings are miles apart in the initial stages.
If you want a relationship, the only way to turn this around for yourself is to try to connect with him at a deeper level. Get to know each other. Understand him; give him space to open up. You can't force anything here but if it's a possibility, creating that space would be a good direction to go. If you want him to be more open, demonstrate openness. If you want him to connect with you at a deeper level, demonstrate coming from a deeper level. Not every guy will go for this, but if he is, he might just begin walking down that path with you.
If you're asking how and when to do this, you can ask to meet him in conjunctures that won't immediately allow sex to happen. This includes things like dinners, drinks, walks, and etc.
With regards to the reader's scenario, because you mentioned aggressive role-playing sex, you need to understand that in and of itself, that's not a problem. But if you're trying to have a relationship with this guy and part of your foundation for this relationship is the role-playing, that can create serious issues as it will not enable you to create a genuine connection. Role-playing is about stepping into a role or a character and forming a genuine connection is the total opposite. Considering everything that you described, making a relationship happen here might be complicated but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. The worst thing that can happen is that nothing will happen, and you're still going to remain with the great sex.
With regards to the issue as a whole, no, sex on the first date is not a relationship killer as long as it was the natural course of that interaction—an interaction in which both parties had a genuine connection.
This is the sort of stuff I discuss on my blog and in the free eBook I give out. If you want to increase your love life's success, visit TheSingleWomanGuide.com—a place where the conventional "dating mindset" is thrown out the window in favor of more direct and fruitful methods of meeting, attracting, and keeping a quality man in your life.
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