Em & Lo Answer All Your Questions About Kinky Sex

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handcuffs
"The Emily Posts of the modern bedroom" teach us all a lesson about BDSM.

Newbies should go for custom-made cuffs sold at sex toy shops instead. LELO makes a really classy version in silk, suede and chain-link. We like Velcro cuffs, too. They hold really well, they won't tighten under pressure and they're easy to remove quickly if need be no key to lose! Also, you should always leave a finger's width between skin and the ties that bind and between body parts (e.g. wrist to wrist) when tying two body parts together.

We have a bunch more safety tips in our book, 150 Shades of Play, that are specific to different kinds of bondage. For example, rope bondage is a lot more complicated than a pair of fuzzy handcuffs and therefore requires more safety instructions, but it can be incredibly satisfying too (plus it has a great aesthetic appeal).

Fifty Shades of Grey apparently did a lot to boost interest in bondage and bondage toys. Your book says that E.L. James missed important safety information. What do Fifty fans need to unlearn?

Em & Lo: Definitely never use cable ties as a restraining device. In Fifty Shades, Christian buys cable ties at the hardware store where Ana works, the implication being that he has naughty things in mind. But these ties can tighten under pressure, cutting into the skin or cutting off circulation. In other words, they could do serious nerve damage.

In terms of other things the book gets wrong ... well, first of all, Fifty Shades implies that anyone who's into kink has some serious childhood baggage. But just because you like, say, bondage and discipline in the bedroom, doesn't mean your mom was a prostitute who used you as a human ashtray (as was the case with Christian).

The other thing is that it is actually possible to play around with power in the bedroom without playing those roles outside the bedroom. In Fifty Shades, Christian is incredibly controlling and possessive and stalker-like all the time. That's more abusive than BDSM, but people can certainly have full-time dominant/submissive) relationships when done consensually and responsibly. We'd just encourage Fifty fans and other newbies to think of bondage as merely a little part-time hobby.

What are your top tips for people who might be interested in incorporating a little kink into their sex lives?

Em & Lo: Remember that being kinky is a relative concept, so don't worry about what your neighbors or your parents or your sibling or your therapist might consider kinky. Define your own kink. Maybe that just means a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, or maybe it means learning how to spank each other a la Christian Grey or learning rope bondage (we cover all three in our book). Keep reading ...

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.

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