You invested time and energy in this relationship and now it’s over. Now what???
A word of caution: this guide is not meant to be put into practice all at once! However, if you will work through these steps as they feel good to you, you will recover much faster, be much stronger and your will know what you want your next relationship to look like.
- Give yourself time to grieve. This step can never be stressed enough. Dive into your feelings for a while, have a good cry, get it all out. There is nothing noble about holding in your feelings and in the long run it will slow down your healing process. You can’t heal from the pain until you admit there is pain. By hiding it, ignoring it, or burying it all you do is produce scar tissue…which will hurt you later.
- Get good and angry. Get angry that he/she didn’t see your worth, get angry that you didn’t kick him/her to the curb months ago, just get angry. Why, you might ask? Because anger is on a better emotional level than despair, depression, all those things the grieving process may have left you with. You needed to get those feelings out, now it’s time to climb back up the emotional scale.
- Count your blessings. A friend and mentor of mine says: “When I don’t get what I want, I have learned to say thank you.” There is some reason that this relationship did not work out. Look beyond the circumstance for example, if the cause of the breakup was cheating, then be thankful that you didn’t remain in relationship where that would likely continue. Be thankful that you now have the opportunity to meet that person who will appreciate who you really are.
- Get to know yourself again. Now is a good time to really get to know yourself. Chances are you were so busy being a couple that you put some parts of yourself on the back burner. Is there anything that you enjoy doing that you stopped doing while you were part of a couple? Why not pick that up again. Do some things that will make you feel good, spend some time getting back in touch with what makes you happy. Which brings us to the next point:
- Figure out what would make you happy. If you read that sentence and thought “Well, a new relationship, what else?” That’s not what I mean. What I mean is what would really make you happy? Do you like to go out? Do you like travel? Do you like quiet evenings at home? Do you like to dance the night away? Are you all about improving your mind? In other words, what are the things that drive you, not the things you think will make you good wife or girlfriend material.
- Set your standards. Take a long hard look at this last relationship and maybe one or two before that. What were the things that you loved about those relationships? What were the things that you really didn’t like? Take a look at the relationships of some of your friends, what are the qualities about those relationships that you like and what are the ones that you don’t like. Make a list of these things and use them to set your standards for your next relationship.
- Make your list. Now you have taken some time to get to know yourself. You are also more aware of what would make you happy. You’ve also taken the third step of setting some standards. Now it’s time to make your list. This list is going to have the qualities that you are looking for in your new relationship. List the kinds of things you want to do together, the kind of interaction you want have, anything that you can think of that would make your next relationship perfect.
- The next time you order steak and you get a hamburger send it back!!! Seriously, if you have followed the steps that I’ve outlined here, you’ve done an awful lot of work. You have taken the time to get to know yourself, to know what you like, to know what you want, to know what will make you happy. When you’re looking at your next prospective partner stop and take a look at your list as well. Is this what you ordered? If it’s not - send it back. I know some of you may be cringing at that thought, but consider: if this was a restaurant meal where you had ordered steak but got the burger would you hesitate to send it back? And what is the worst that could happen if you didn’t? A meal you didn’t enjoy? This is your life we are talking about here! How much more important is it to get the order right?? You are correct order is on its way.
Yes, this does involve some work. It will probably involve looking deeper into some things that are not very comfortable. I will promise you this: if you do the work, you will recover from your breakup faster and emerge stronger than ever before. You will also be ready and able to recognize your perfect partner when they arrive.
I believe that everyone deserves to have loving, supportive relationships. My mission is to help as many people achieve that goal as possible. For more articles, workshop and coaching options visit here.