Merry Divorce? Why People Wait For January To File Those Papers

By

Merry Divorce? Why January Is Dubbed "Divorce Month"
There is no "good" time to file for divorce but the holidays are the hardest time, by far.

If you're in the throes of contemplating divorce at this time of year, you've probably already figured out this is a difficult time to make your intentions known to family and friends. The perfect moment you've been waiting for to make this all-important announcement is being foiled by another round of impending holidays. You have as much chance of getting this wrapped up now as Boston has of having a snowless winter.

If your toes are already dangling over the divorce threshold, this is a particularly tough time of year. Perhaps you're thisclose and then, suddenly — seemingly sprung from ashes — holiday decor is everywhere, assaulting your senses and damping down every ounce of courage and wherewithal you’ve worked so hard to accrue. You just don't know how much longer you can stay, but how can you leave now?

 

January has been dubbed "divorce month" and with good reason. It shows the highest number of divorce filings than any other month. Why? Well, happy holidays! People aren't usually in a big hurry to call it quits — and tell their kids — right before the family-est time of the year. So, you put on your cheesiest Christmas sweater, deck the halls and accept your Oscars for Best Actor and Actress in a Real Life Drama.

The reality is there is no perfect time to insist on divorce or tell your kids their lives are about to change exponentially. Certainly, you don't want to announce your divorce while you're putting up the tree. Why would you? But are you hiding behind the holidays to avoid the unavoidable? You know getting in that last Thanksgiving or Hannukah or New Year's really isn't going to change much. But the holidays come with huge expectations attached and you capitulate. You convince yourself it's only right to give your kids one more holiday season with their family intact. And there's nothing wrong with that.

One of the more confusing things about the road to divorce is that family life pretty much continues on its merry way — until it no longer does. You're busy buying gifts, sending cards, singing in your church choir while impending divorce provides a grim backdrop for your best efforts at maintaining normalcy. Your holiday preparations are done with a heavy heart.

And that's the sadness in all of it, isn't it? That divorce is going to bring about change even where change isn't required. The cruel conundrum is that family life can be so darn functional in so many ways, even when divorce is on the horizon. And, for many, there's no reminder of that like the holidays.

So you slog through, feeling like you’re walking through Jell-O, knowing this is the last time you'll set the table with your mother-in-law's china or go as a family to Midnight Mass. Every Hannukah candle lit, every Christmas ornament hung, every Kwanzaa song sung, carries an enormous weight of finality. 

You've spent so many years creating your traditions and now it's time to dismantle them like the browning Christmas tree that's ready for the curb. Now's the part where I assure you that you will create new traditions post-divorce. You may choose to mimic those of your former life or create something entirely different. Either way, it's challenging and often heart-wrenching. But wonderful and satisfying things can and do come from it. Not least of all your chance at blessed peace and happiness.

There's no good answer for when you should make your decision to divorce known. My clients ask me when they'll know, when the best time will be. You'll know when you don't have any other choice, I tell them. But I suspect I'll hear those questions less frequently as they gear up for another go at the holidays while, silently perhaps, they await January with a shiver of cold anticipation.

More divorce coach advice on YourTango:

 

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Abby Rodman

Counselor/Therapist

Abby Rodman is a psychotherapist, relationship expert, author and speaker, renowned for her focus on midlife dating, marriage and divorce. She has appeared on the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda, HuffPost Live, and is regularly sought out by print, broadcast and online media outlets for her expertise on relationship issues.  Abby is a regular blogger on the Huffington Post, better-after-50.com and YourTango. Her work has also appeared in the Boston Globe Magazine. Her book, "Should You Marry Him?" is a must-read for both women and men at any stage of life who are considering tying the knot. Abby's second book, "Without This Ring: A Woman's Guide To Successfully Living Through and Beyond Midlife Divorce" will be available in November 2014.

Location: Newton, MA
Credentials: LICSW, MSW, Other
Other Articles/News by Abby Rodman:

9 Truths Moms of Boys Need To Know

By

I have three sons and zero daughters. When my boys were small, I would hear the question, "Are you going to keep trying for a girl?" until I thought my head would explode. Some folks seemed affronted when I would tell them I was done having kids. As if, by having only sons, I was somehow disrupting the natural order of the life. Here are, ... Read more

Recently Divorced? Follow Queen Elsa's Lead And 'Let It Go'

By

If you haven't seen the Disney movie, Frozen, you're bound to have heard of it. Songs from the movie have become so recognizable they rival any of Disney's animated predecessors. Google "Let It Go lip sync," and over seven million results pop up instantaneously. Mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, and even Navy baseball team ... Read more

9 New Ways To Enjoy The Holidays, Even If Your Relationship's Icy

By

First, turn on the TV. Second, wait for a commercial that depicts the holiday season. (You won't have to wait more than a nanosecond, so no worries there.) Third, observe how the people, homes and decorations in said commercials bear very little resemblance to yours. Four, scratch your head and sigh. If your relationship is rocky, volatile or just good ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular