How to dominate the dating scene, even when your mind is telling you to stay home.
Do you remember the butterflies and self-doubt that go along with meeting new people?
Dating after divorce can be like stepping into a time machine. There’s nothing like a blind date after not dating for years to wake up hidden insecurities and transport you back to when you felt your worst. The feelings can keep you from attracting what you want and from getting the love you seek. I went through such time travel last weekend and it sure is humbling to see how quickly self-esteem can melt away.
Now, I am a reasonably attractive woman. I’ve been divorced now for over two years and I’m ready to meet a new partner. I want to explore getting to know a man and am looking forward to meeting the men coming my way. When I go to a singles event with gal pals, I am generally comfortable.
Going out alone is a whole different story.
I went "back in time" last weekend. I was invited to go sailing with a new group of friends. Of course, then I checked the Facebook page of my hostess. Big Mistake.
What I saw was a fashionista with exquisite taste and a budget to match. She's a stunner and so are all of her friends. At each event, she posted pictures from she always looked amazing. Sheesh!
Because I work at home and live in California, I have an extremely casual wardrobe. I love summer and have many fun and flirty summer dresses that I wear socially. But I don't have a stitch of clothing suitable for a sailing date on a chilly San Diego afternoon. Even though this was going to be a mostly a girl crowd, I felt paralyzed by low self-esteem. I tried on 4 outfits — and stripped them off as fast as I put them on.
I felt awkward and clueless about style. How I wished I had something new to wear! I wished I hadn't said yes. I wished I didn't have to go. The more I looked at my awkward self in the mirror, the worse I felt.
Me. The Law Of Attraction Guru!
But ... I AM dating and I PROMISED myself that I would accept all invitations. I prefer meeting people in public rather than online, and I even tell all my clients they have to get out there and get social. I was stuck. I HAD to go. I finally settled on a pair of skinny jeans and a tee shirt, still wishing I had something new to wear. (Why is it that a new top or new shoes can make you feel prettier, taller and sexier???)
I knew it would be chilly by the end of the day, so I layered on a red V-neck sweater and a North Face jacket that was a gift from my son. I just knew everyone else would have cute sailing outfits. In my low-energy mood, I felt more like a "Have Not" than I have in a very long time.
My feelings were wrong and strong. On my drive out, I felt like s**t. I felt unattractive and out of style. I felt like an awkward teenager all over again. And I didn't even date in high school, so this was worse — I felt like a double loser.
Being a Law of Attraction coach, I knew for sure that it was still possible to change my mood. I have shifted my thinking about lots of things, and I have trained my mind not to obsess over self-defeating thoughts.
At first, it felt that I hadn't made a bit of progress. My mind ranted and told me what a loser I am. Part of me really wanted to cancel out on the trip. But because I have practiced thinking on purpose for a long time, and doggone it, I wanted to rescue my day, I mustered up enough courage to give up on my old horrible thinking pattern.
I asked myself, “Could I be my own worst enemy?”
With 5 miles left to my destination, I wondered, "How can I spin a different story about my outfit that would change my thinking?" I thought of scenarios. I would be super grateful for the outfit and therefore feel cute in it. In a nanosecond, my mind came up with a story.
What if I was from the Midwest, and it was a rainy chilly autumn day? And an invitation for a weekend in sunny San Diego had shown up out of the blue? I had just gotten off the plane. Unfortunately, the airline had lost my luggage, but luckily I had something to wear sailing! I reminded myself that my hostess invited ME. She wanted to spend time with me and introduce me to her friends. It is the ME of me she was inviting, not who I am in my clothes.
I know it seems far-fetched but I started to feel better. I really WAS grateful for my skinny jeans and tee. I used my mind to attract what I wanted and become the person I knew I was inside.
Five things happened once I took back control and shifted my mind — and each one amazed me.
1. I attracted a Universe that met me where I was.
I stopped at a convenience store to get my contribution to food and drink and the girl behind the counter complimented my outfit. That made me chuckle at the Universe! Part of my mind still thought, "Yeah, right."
I chose to think differently, met her eyes and thanked her sincerely. I told her, "I wasn't feeling so confident this morning, so thanks!" She was warm and friendly, and I felt better.
2. I projected to others that my outfit was perfectly fine for ME!
Each guest embraced their own sense of style. My hostess was as gorgeous as I knew she would be. She wore tiny black shorts that fit her beautifully with a lace sleeveless top over her bikini top. Fabulous. The other guests had all kinds of looks, and another girl even wore skinny jeans too.
3. I attracted — and therefore had — a really good time.
I met friendly people and the water was beautiful. I had a nice chat with the captain of our vessel at happy hour after the sail. By changing my own story, I was able to take my mind off myself and really get to know my sailing companions. I succeeded in rescuing my own day!
4. I rediscovered how powerful my mind is — again.
I wish I could express how powerful this inner shift was. Years of growing up in a large family without a big budget for extras has left deep grooves of "there's never enough" in my being. It was extraordinary how a "made up story" could give me the future I wanted and CHANGE my day.
5. I shared my Mind Power lesson with other singles.
When I wore the same outfit to my SoulmatesandHotDates.com Meetup group I had to tell them the story. Not one person in my group thought my outfit was as "out of sync" as I thought it was. Not one. I actually felt cuter and cuter in my "old" clothes.
Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing more fun for me than buying something new to wear on a date. And, there is certainly nothing wrong with using clothes or a new look to build self-confidence. What I learned was that some roots of insecurity are deep.
Whether or not they will ever go away isn't what's important. What is important is that I take charge of my own thinking.
I changed the course of my mind, just like the captain did on our sailing trip.
The moral of the story is this: Do NOT let your closet, or any other material factor, get in the way of getting out there and having fun at group gatherings!
You bring a lot to the table in a relationship with your future partner.
When you solve the self-esteem issue in your own mind, you only become even more highly attractive and desirable than you already are!