The other day after I had my hair colored, I thought about the story I read in which a 54-year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
It really is as simple as making the other person feel connected. Guess what? DON'T FOCUS ON TALKING! Or pouting, or slamming doors, or happily acting like everything's ok. Often the results of talking things out end in further frustration and alienation. In no way am I saying don't discuss big and small issues with your partner. What I am saying is that if you or your partner do not feel CONNECTED to the relationship, then trying to talk about ANYTHING is not going to work at making you feel loved, valued, or heard.
The basic types of communication are: (1) Assertive (2) Passive (3) Aggressive (4) Passive-Aggressive Did you know we communicate both verbally and nonverbally? Nonverbals include body language, eye contact, presentation (clothing, cleanliness, etc.). Which type of communicator are you? If you're assertive, then you are tactful when getting your point across, you stay true to yourself, and everyone views the situation as win-win.
Many people share with us that they are seeking the “cure” to their relationship woes. They’re looking for something they could do, change, fix, adjust, add or remove that will take away their loneliness and bring love to their lives. This investigative thinking is definitely part of the cure; the challenge, of course is the reality that none of this happens instantly.
There are three ways in which we can actively monitor ourselves so that we may change how we interact with our surroundings: (1) Thoughts (cognitions) (2) Feelings (emotions) (3) Actions (behaviors) When you are in traditional counseling sessions--the counselor uses a variety of theories that typically focus on one of these areas to help you make changes in your life.
In intimate relationships the key to making it last is constant CONNECTION, not necessarily communication. Based on brain chemistry, and what we understand from functional MRIs... --Did you know that for women connecting means that she needs to feel heard, appreciated, and safe? --Did you know that for men connecting means that he feels like he is the provider and protector? If you can figure out how your partner feels connected, then it will help you to stay intimate. When I talk about connection, I am refering to that feeling of being loved.
*** Join Jason and Kelly when they TAKEOVER YourTango's Facebook page this Thursday, July 28th at 2pm eastern. Jason and Kelly will be live and answering your questions about Facebooking as a couple, parents, grandparents and covering all of the sticky situations we get into on social network sites. Join us at 2pm on Thursday, July 28th for this live event.***
The task of filing paperwork is often the most hated and avoided in any office. The same is true about our email inbox! The good news is that it's not so hard as many people think to establish and maintain your filing when you have a system. If you start your day by sitting at your cluttered desk or an inbox filled with unanswered emails, you set yourself up for an increased level of stress and lack of productivity from the beginning of your day.
As a matchmaker and dating coach in Washington, DC, a town full of sharp, successful, powerful women, I often hear the line, “Men are intimated by me”. When I hear this, I listen patiently and empathetically and then, when the time is right, I explain that it’s just not true. I speak with men every single day, and I have the inside scoop - the 411 on how men really feel.
As a couples therapist, I have a pretty good idea of what people struggle with the most in their intimate relationships. It's not what you think. It's not about sex or finances but rather something deeper that impacts everything. Emotional Safety