We were all traumatized as children in some way. We were hurt, scared, betrayed, humiliated, and/or were lonely. Experiencing trauma is a fundamental and inevitable aspect of being human. It is what we do with this trauma and how we manage it that becomes “the fundamental stuff of our lives” and the lens with which we come to view reality. As individuals, we may have decided to “get over it” and put it out of our mind or dismiss this trauma in other ways.
We all work hard on our careers, helping our friends and family, and doing all those necessary chores. Women, particularly, are very generous with giving of themselves to others, sometimes to the detriment of their own needs and desires. But we're all guilty of getting caught in routines that don't leave enough time or energy for the ones we love. We recently asked the YourTango Experts how we can find space in our busy lives for more quality time seeking love or spending time with our current relationships. Here's what they had to say:
It should be our goal as parents to raise our children to be secure people. Fortunately, most of us have implicit knowledge of the behavioral ingredients that combine to promote security. That implicit knowledge most likely comes from the lucky experience of having been parented by parents who were themselves “securely attached.”
The first ten minutes of a date often determine whether a second date is ever going to happen, and let's face it: second dates are not the norm for many. That was definitely my story until I learned about (what I now call) "Date Waste." Date waste is when a date is a drag but has little to do with whether you are a potential match. It's a drag simply because neither of you set the date up to succeed. These aren't the dates with jerks that you can't wait to end. They are the ones that are just a little boring, lack sparks or just go nowhere.
Myth 1: Lube is For old people Actually, lube is for anyone who wants to have a lot of sex. Or sex in a short amount of time. Or anal sex. Or sex with a condom. Or sex when they are feeling a bit stressed and their body is not keeping up with their libido. Or for anyone taking antihistamines… You see where I am going with this, right? Artificial lube is a great thing for your sex life and it will serve you to get comfortable with it.
How many times do you say “Yes” when you’d really rather say “No” or maybe “I don’t know, let me think about it and get back to you?” Are you the first one with your hand up when the call goes out for a new PTO President, for someone to run the office basketball pool, coach the soccer team, organize the fundraiser or run for the Board of Education? These are just a few of the many, many ways that we are asked to serve in our families, places of employment and communities.
Let me start by saying I know plenty of young females in their 20’s who forget a child’s dentist appointment, or cupcakes for a school party, or even that they have something cooking in the oven. And it’s only the burning smell that reminds them they forgot to take dinner out on time. In fact, it makes me feel better - more normal - when I hear of the “younger generation” struggling with their forgetfulness.
If perfect parents ever lived, I pity their children. What excuse could the children of perfect parents offer for their later failures? On a more serious note, when parents aim for perfection, the category they are more likely to occupy is "too good," as in "too good to be true," or down right incompetent.
We all give every day—to our partners, friends, family, neighbors, jobs and community. While it's healthy and vital to help the ones we love, many of us struggle to balance these needs with our own. This can lead to trouble: either we become too self-absorbed, or we find it hard to say "No" to others in order to have a little "me" time. As part of our Love Starts Within spotlight, we asked some of our Experts to share their advice on how to grapple with these demands from multiple angles:
By Meagan McCrary In college, I basically slept with guys as a means of making them my boyfriends. Within the first few weeks of dating (a.k.a. going to after parties together and hooking up), we’d start having sex, which always lead to some sort of boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Well, really that only happened on two occasions, but twice was enough for me to assume that sex equated boyfriend.... boy did I make an ass out of myself.