Assertiveness-Getting What You Want In the world today we are faced with many choices. We are all built with the instinct for fight or flight when faced with confrontation. But there is a third way--it is to speak up with an assertative voice about what we really want and need in life.
CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS
Lily and Don, both in their 40s, decided to get married after dating each other for a year. Lily's children were in college, while Don still had children coming to his house every other weekend. They discovered early in their marriage that it was one thing to date and quite another to merge their lives in the same house. Little things started to bother them that were not issues when they were living separately and just spending weekends together.
What does it mean to lovingly disengage from conflict? How do you keep your heart open and lovingly disengage when someone close to you is saying things about you that aren't true, or saying things about others that aren't true, or saying things about themselves or about life that aren't true? How do you lovingly disengage when someone close to you is blaming you, complaining, withdrawing from you, resisting you or attacking you?
(A conversation during a coaching session) Me: Tom, how are things going with Nancy? Tom: Well…not that great actually. Me: What do you mean? Last time we talked you were all excited about dating her. Tom: I know. But things have changed. She’s blown me off.
It could happen anywhere: shopping at the mall, a quick visit to the bank, or even a holiday event at your child’s school. One minute, you’re having a great time. The next, your emotions range from shock to bewilderment and you begin to panic. Yes, it’s one of the most frequently overlooked aspects of divorce – unexpectedly running into your ex-wife, especially during the holidays. No one tells you about these little nuances of divorce or how to deal with this situation – only the after math.
"What should I do if my partner won't go to counseling?" I often hear this from my clients. What are they really saying with this question? Generally, they are saying something like: "My unhappiness is coming from my partner's behavior," or "The problems in our relationship are my partners' fault," or "My partner needs to change for me to be okay."
It’s that time again—the beginning of the holiday season. I actually had another topic I was going to address this week in my blog but I succumbed to the pressure I felt (from whom or what, I’m not sure) to write about Thanksgiving. I guess it makes sense to do so as family gatherings provoke a lot of things for many people. For some, the annual get-togethers are something to look forward to—a means to connect and spend time with family. But for many, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a holiday season riddled with anxiety, trepidation, obligation, and conflict.
“When Eddie blames me, I react so fast, before I have a chance to get my adult self onboard. I’m explaining and defending before I can even take a breath,” Lori told me in one of our sessions. I knew exactly what she was talking about, as I had struggled with this same challenge for years.
When two people are just starting a relationship, they do their best to present only their best and most attractive attributes to the other party. They want to show their most favorable attributes to each other and work hard to meet the needs of the partner. They want to appear strong, confident and willing to compromise. Next Level of Love
People often ask me how they can know whether or not someone they are dating is REALLY open. "He seems open, but how can I know? My last guy seemed really open until we started living together and then he was always angry. I don't want that to happen again," said Kiera in a phone session. "Have you and your boyfriend had significant conflict yet?" "No, we've only been dating for two months."
Every couple has some aggravations with their relationship that seem to defy understanding. “Why in the heck does he/she keep doing that when it is guaranteed to start an argument?” Sometimes these puzzles are hard to figure out. But if you ask different questions or ask them in a different way, you might get a new insight about why these things happen. This takes some detective work but the effort is worthwhile to increase understanding and perhaps avoid some of those common relationship annoyances.
How do you drop bomb of sudden, unexpected and quite possibly undesirable information on someone you care about without behaving like a cruel, dispassionate ogre? What if you're the unfortunate recipient of the aforementioned bomb? How do you respond with compassion instead of setting off a furious chain reaction?
Most arguments begin from a lack of clarity, a miscommunication or a false belief. Couples argue when they feel misunderstood or under-appreciated. These dynamics can lead to disconnection and resentment if they aren't cleared up. To clean up an old argument, or to avoid a new one, here are four ways.
Gone are the days where abusive relationships are handled by solely requiring a change in the behavior of the abuser. Relationship Violence is a dynamic that must be addressed by each partner. If you recognize yourself or your partner in the signs below, you may be headed for relationship violence. Many Abusive Relationships Share These Patterns: 1. If one partner is hardly ever angry, and the other partner is often very angry.