Couples in relationships sometimes fight. But when you ignore your partner's feelings in favor of winning an argument, you do damage to your bond. Learn how to communicate compassionately.
I help my clients see beneath the "fog of war" and get down to what's real — that's where the solution can be found. When two people constantly dig in and fortify their positions, the conflict only blinds both partners and prolongs the battle. That is, until one partner steps up. Only in that moment can healing begin.
When your partner is angry or controlling, what do you do? According to our expert, this is the healthiest thing you can do in a tumultuous relationship.
We live in an amazing age where there are so many methods of communication open to us, so many ways to stay in touch with the people who are important to us. However, in the case of our most intimate relationships, sometimes the best communication methods are the old-fashioned ones. In fact a recent article in Australia’s News.com stated that Oxford University psychologists found husbands and wives who kept in touch using technology ha
As I have mentioned before in this series (The Eight Simple Rules to Managing Conflict), the biggest key to effectively resolving conflict is preparation. When we have time to prepare we do much better in resolving conflict than when it is thrust upon us and all we can do is react. When I mediate conflicts, I include a preparation and coaching phase with both parties individually before I ever bring them together. This added phase is critical to a successful mediation, resulting in both parties being prepared, goal-focused, and ready for resolution.
There are two components to every argument/conflict…the conflicting issue (the “what”) and the interpersonal dynamics during the conflict (the “how”). Guess which one is most important? That’s right, the “how.” Very simply, how you do conflict will directly impact the outcome of the conflict itself. If you are kind, respectful, constructively assertive and focused on win-win outcomes, you’ll get one kind of results.
I had a love-hate relationship with my old boss. The love part was my incredible respect for this former Olympic gold medalist turned CEO of one of the leading professional development companies in the world. He was one of those people who could make an audience laugh, cry, and get inspired—all at the same time. People always came up to me after one of Terry’s amazing speeches to say how lucky I was to work for this man. I’d smile and say, “I sure am”, knowing I was lying through my teeth.
“I need a volunteer…Greg?” Wow, that was more like telling than asking, I thought. “Sure Ron, I’d be glad to volunteer.” Ron asked me to stand in front of the group as he approached. I knew he picked me for a reason but wasn’t quite sure why…that is until his hands hit my chest with such force that I stumbled back a couple of steps. “What are you doing?” I yelled, trying to regain my composure.
…In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from above. Tighten the mask by pulling on the straps like this. If you are traveling with a child, place your mask on first before assisting them... Whenever I hear that part of the flight attendant’s pre-flight spiel, I always smile. I smile because my gut instinct would be to place the mask on a child first—had I not repetitively heard that directive. But I get the idea—save yourself so you can save others!
Assertiveness-Getting What You Want In the world today we are faced with many choices. We are all built with the instinct for fight or flight when faced with confrontation. But there is a third way--it is to speak up with an assertative voice about what we really want and need in life.
What does it mean to lovingly disengage from conflict? How do you keep your heart open and lovingly disengage when someone close to you is saying things about you that aren't true, or saying things about others that aren't true, or saying things about themselves or about life that aren't true? How do you lovingly disengage when someone close to you is blaming you, complaining, withdrawing from you, resisting you or attacking you?
(A conversation during a coaching session) Me: Tom, how are things going with Nancy? Tom: Well…not that great actually. Me: What do you mean? Last time we talked you were all excited about dating her. Tom: I know. But things have changed. She’s blown me off.
We all sometimes react to things that our partner says or does (or to what he or she fails to say or do!) in a way that appears - when we look back on it after a little while - as disproportionate to the situation: shouting, losing control, blaming, and sometimes even throwing things, etc... Although normal in all relationships, our emotional reactions benefit from being "monitored" and understood, so that we do not harm our relationship over time in a way that is beyond repair.
How much do you value being seen and heard? Do you really want a truly successful relationship? How important is it to have impact on others? Then speak up! Of course, for some people, that’s easier said than done. You might prefer to sky dive without a parachute than tell another person what’s really on your mind. But it is possible to develop an assertiveness connected to head and heart that clears the way for honest, empowered living-without being rude to others.
A mother and son's relationship directly affects yours and your partner's relationship, too; the way you handle certain situations as a couple, the way you make decisions, the way you manage your household.