Random Life in the Twin Cities
If there's one thing I've learned writing these columns, it's that you ladies have penis on the brain. Which is why I'm going to admit that my penis is so huge, so gargantuan, that when I get excited, I barely have enough skin with which to whistle. Seriously. It's like three grapefruits in a gym sock. Trash bags are my preferred prophylactic. I ain't bragging or nothin'. Does size really matter? How do you know your vagina isn't all floppy? I knew a dude once who described sleeping with a woman as "driving a hatchback through the Lincoln Tunnel." I am convinced y'all make so much of a fuss about size as a passive-aggressive way to get back at dudes who you perceive as judging you solely by your boobs, waist, and butt. But when it comes to sex, good sex, bite-mark-on-the-shoulder sex, we are the sum of our physical, and emotional, parts. Otherwise, you're not having sex. You're just slapping bits.
As a kid, my ballet teacher nicknamed me Olive Oil because I was tall and skinny with long dark hair like the cartoon. By 14, puberty had left me squeezing into 32DD bras. My instant curves disgusted me. "You are not fat; you’re Zaftik," my mother would say in Yiddish, as she inspected my 5'7" and 120-lb. frame. She meant I carried my weight well. Large busts were so common among Jewish women they'd created a word in the Old Country for exactly what I'd inherited.
Megan Fox's interview before the Golden Globes makes me think she needs a friend or a hug or something. In a breath the actress referred to herself as a tranny and someone who looks like Alan Alda. On top of all that, her dude, Brian Austin Green, bailed on the awards show. Hmm. We see what the problem is here. She needs an injection of some self-esteem and confidence, young Megan Fox needs her groove back.
Back when you were a kid your mom probably told you "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," and that Santa was checking his list twice to find out "who's naughty and nice." Now that we're older we know good from bad, but we also know we'd rather tell the truth than hide it. Ole St. Nick never had to deal with an oversexed coworker up on his Mrs. every time he turned his back during the annual Christmas party, so we think it's time to redefine the rules. Read on to fine out when "naughty" is actually "nice" this holiday season.
Washingtonian yesterday profiled an eligible DC bachelor for its "Dating Diaries" blog. Mark Drapeau (pictured, courtesy of Washingtonian), 33, was wearing jeans with his blazer and tie, and holding a rather girly-looking sidecar cocktail in his hand. In his profile, he spoke about being "over" high school by the time senior prom rolled around, his careerand recent promotion with a government think tank, and "experimenting" with women outside of his race (white) and upbringing (New England) in college.
Lloyd Dobler: attractive. Jean-Claude Van Damme: yuck. There is something extremely attractive about vulnerability. Not the "I'm an emotional wreck; fix me" kind of basket case, but the guy with a touch of self-deprecation and a dose of humility. Like he's letting you in a on a little secret. Take for instance one of our writers, John Meils. His latest piece, "The Magic of (Other People's) Weddings," delves into the male mind while attending, you guessed, wedding. He's honest and funny, without being trite or condescending.
Summer is almost, here. In addition to breaking out the sun dresses and flip flops, brush up on your flirting skills. Flirting is all in the DNA. Scientist show that the proclivity to flirt is in our genes. Learn a little bit more about how you flirt by discovering how your sign flirts. And in the end, no matter how you look, flirting is all about confidence and how you present yourself. So get out there.
Height difference is a major dating problem. Biology and convention have long prevented a tall girl and a short man from getting together. But the confidence not to let her height be a problem can change the difference from a dealbreaker to a turn-on. It's all about feeling good, looking good, and realizing that those heels will probably not emasculate a quality guy.