It seems that no matter how evolved the media portrays relationships these days, men still seem to be looking for an imaginary woman.
I am writing this in desperation. I have always thought of myself as a smart, strong woman and recently my entire self image is falling apart before me. I am finally at a point where my career is starting to give me back all the energy I've put into it over the years, but it looks like my love life is insisting on going in the opposite direction. I have had two relationships in the last 6 months. The first lasted 4 months, which I ended not a moment too soon (and probably quite a few too late) realizing that we couldn't be less compatible. It was a luke warm relationship at the best of times so I'd be lying to say that I missed anything more than the habit. Maybe I'm still lying to myself about that because the rebound I had was a torrid affair. It was someone I met online after midnight, only 12 days later -hardly a classy first date. I guess I deserved what was to come. We had what felt like an amazing connection and talked till dawn (5 hours!), and then of course, had amazing sex. It was everything sex with my ex was not, and I drank it like a parched woman. The thing is, a few hours into this mind blowing affair, he started getting more and more demanding about ejaculating inside me, which I of course, refused. However, as his insistence grew, my resistance, for some reason waned, and I found myself bargaining with him instead of walking off in a huff like I should have. He eventually produced a print out of his latest STD testing (3 months ago), which showed he was completely clean. At least to the main things that came to mind at the time. I eventually succumbed (I wasn't even on the pill at the time) and a month of a strange tug-of-war relationship ensued. During this time he began to divulge more information about himself, including the fact that he is facing a jail sentence for assault and that he was incarcerated for psychosis for a few days. Also that he was given meds he stopped taking. Upon questioning he said he was diagnosed with "Bipolar Disorder". He talked about a woman "raping" him with whom he has 2 children, in another state. he also had this strange fascination with getting me pregnant against my will which I of course did not indulge. I know WHY on Earth would any woman in her right mind hang around to see how this plays out? I really truly should and do know better, have ran miles in the opposite direction for much fainter whiffs of dangerous men, yet this time I had a strange compulsion to stay. I think the fact that I was depressed and alone when we met helped forge this fake bond that kept feeding my imagination that we somehow have a connection only we understood. At some point this month he sold his condo and it was all I could do to prevent him from moving in with me. His answer to this was after using my apartment "to store" a lot of his things he completely ignored me for a week. Now don't get me wrong I am not a needy woman but his attitude was completely "oh your sole reason for breathing is so I can talk to you about this highly complicated move". It really wasn't that complicated, but whatever. Moreover the last time I saw him we had rough anal sex (I use the word "we" here very loosely) and he walked out. Anyway, during that week I had gotten tested again for STD's (he did too), I know we got it backwards normally people get those tests then take step 2 but I plead temporary insanity. His tests were fine but mine unfortunately showed that I was a carrier of Hepatitis B. He was thankfully immune to this already so I didn't give him anything, but when I tearfully called him to explain my results his only answer was "oh so I guess no fucking around huh?" and then moved on to talk about his apartment! This after a week of being treated like a doormat pushed me over the edge and I broke up with him on the phone, to which his response was "ok cool" and hung up. The moment of crowning charm was 3 days later when he texted me that "he is now available" and would I like to go for dinner?!!! Really??! Now my absolutely favorite moment of this entire story, 3 days post official break-up (10 excruciating days post above mentioned episode of anal sex), the pain suddenly becomes even worse and I develop a fever! I had fever and chills for 3 days with headaches, muscle pains, and horrible anal pain that I thought was still due to the aftermath of the anal sex. I finally took a look in the mirror to see what was happening and realized that I had an outbreak of vesicles all around the perianal area, typical of herpes. This happened only an hour ago and I am still in shock. I just found out I had Hepatitis B and anal herpes in the same week! I want to cry and shout at the same time and laugh all at the same time. To boot I am still trying to get him to take all his things out of my apartment! I really don't know where to begin wrapping my head around all of this. I have never felt more along (I recently moved here from far away) and it seems like my fresh start is exploding in my face. Its all I can do now to pray for my sanity.
To blog or not to blog ??
sit and wait for love?
no love life at the moment so life in general..
Based on my experience, I realized that we shouldn't be so fanatically worried about being fit.
Premonitory dream about Jessica, John Mayer "trashing" Jessica in the public's eye, Jessica's interview with Oprah Winfrey
how we met.....wanna know more just message me =]
Lying on an open field (garden), Felt no love for me to feel. Lying next to her concern, Thinking of the stuff her burn. But who know i could be sick with worries and concern. I found my soul a home, Where bread is not turn into stone, Where water is not dry as shown, But dirt is as dry as her on a thrown. This garden is different from another, Roses grow with every lovers. I finally awoke from under the cover, And i saw her with another.
Sometimes I sit and stare, I think and hope that life would be fair. For you have lifted me up from a life filled with sorrow, And made me realize there is always a better tomorrow. It amazes me how someone can make me feel this way, I love you more and more with everyday day. You know the place you hold in my heart, You are always with me even when we’re apart. What I am willing to do to keep a smile on your face?, Just know that I’m here to stay and to never be replace. Never want to be alone, Never want to be thrown. Just keep me in you arms, And I would give you life as it is shown.