By Jane Greer, Ph.D., Relationship & Sex Talk for GALTime What would you do if your husband and his ex-wife got back in touch-- and started regularly communicating? That's the question that one GalTime reader is struggling with-- she turned to Dr. Jane Greer for advice.
Weehawken, N.J., June 27, 2011 – Psychotherapist and relationship coach David S. Wilde has released a CD, "Peeling the Onion and Mending Your Marriage", a "how-to" guide for couples, providing practical tools, techniques and guided meditations to help spouses escape endless bickering. David is a former NY trial lawyer who switched to the more amicable career of helping couples.
Do you find that you have a pattern of trying to hide your negative feelings from a man who isn't treating you the way you wish he would? When we women love a man and feel that his feelings for us are not as strong as ours are, we feel A LOT of intense, scary feelings, most of which are negative. We are bitter, sad, scared, anxious and even angry. We also feel like we have to hold these feelings inside. We feel we have to stuff them down, keep them under wraps, so that our man doesn’t get turned off by our draining emotions.
Studies and research will tell you that couples most often fight about two topics in particular: Sex and money; different ideas of what’s too little, too much or how these issues affect the couple. While these are real struggles that jeopardize the health of a relationship, the gaps that lie between partner needs and how to bridge them still aren’t the real reason why marriage is so darn hard. The answer lies in the “shift.”
When I do readings with men who wish that they could get a little more action from their mates in the bedroom, some kiddingly say, “Isn’t there a viagra for women?” And ladies, you don’t get off so easy. Statistics show that up to 85% of married women are dis-satisfied with their sex lives. How easy it is to throw blame at your partner for your unmet physical needs. What is going on?
Since meeting and marrying Marc, some assume that because of my deep intuitive gifts that somehow I have an edge when it comes to keeping our lines of communication open and operational. Wrong. Not only did Marc come into my life in my fourth decade on the planet, I also brought into this life time a host of past patterns and attitudes that are present for my growth and development as a soul. Remember, I still have the yammering and stammering of my Goblin.
Last week, I wrote an article entitled, “Are You Committing These 12 Fatal Relationship Errors?” [EXPERT]. As a counselor educator, I am frequently telling other counselors that “stop doing” plans never work. We can tell people to stop doing something but without developing an alternative behavior, it will be difficult to make it work. People need to know what they are supposed to do instead when they find themselves wanting to engage in the forbidden behavior.
How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships.
They say that marriage gets more difficult once you have children. It can be tougher to find the time and energy for connection and romance. It can also be a challenge when you and your spouse have a disagreement and you don't make time to be alone and resolve it . You might have uncomfortable or even traumatic memories of your own childhood listening to the adults in your house argue and fight. The yelling and anger may have sent you racing to your room where you hid underneath a blanket or turned up the volume on your stereo to drown out the raised voices.
Do you love your mate but really hate the complaints and nagging you get from him or her? Your partner might be a flat-out bully who says and does things that make you feel bad, wrong or inept. Or, your spouse might more subtly pick at you. The criticism may be said in a “sweet” or soft voice, but the sting still hurts. When living with a critical or nagging partner, you might frequently feel defensive and like lashing back. Instead, your reaction when you feel attacked could be to withdraw into yourself. There are many things you can do in response to your partner's criticisms. Some of these reactions will strain your relationship even more.
“He never listens to me!” “She only hears what she wants to hear!” “It feels like I'm talking to myself all of the time!” Does it seem like your spouse tunes you out when you're talking to him or her? As clear and straightforward as you think you were with your request, your partner claims to have heard something else from you..or maybe even argues that you didn't say it at all.
