In honor of National Coming Out Day, I thought I'd stir up the pot and go a little rogue. You see, there are times that, as the Coming Out Coach, I think it's wrong to come out of the closet. Not because you'll lose friends, possibly be fired in 29 states, or maybe even contract an STD (that never happens to heterosexuals).
Believe it or not, I actually have ten other reasons why you should definitely not come out of the closet. However, before I divulge them, I want to give you an email address to send your hate mail after you read this article. Please send all correspondence to Rick@complainallyouwantimnotlistening.com. Excellent; shall we move on?
Coming out is a very personal decision that, honestly, should be kept entirely to yourself. Nobody else really needs to know about your fantasies regarding people of the same sex (they're gross) and it makes people uncomfortable when they hear stories about homosexual attractions; queasy, even, if we're talking about two guys. Lesbians, on the other hand, aren't quite as bad on account of women being the inferior sex and simply not knowing any better. It's a stroke to the heterosexual male's ego to imagine being catered to sexually by two women who are also satisfying each other in front of his eyes. That's just one shade off of hetero-normative and is completely acceptable: ladies, feel free to make out with each other. Yet, I digress from the focus of this article.
10 Great Reasons Not To Come Out Of The Closet:
1. It makes everyone else so much more comfortable if you don't come out.
It's your duty in life to ensure that what you do in the comfort of your own home doesn't affect others — and don't you forget it. Your role is to make every one else comfortable with how you live your life.
2. Politicians are already too overwhelmed.
It's hard enough to balance a budget, let alone stop bickering over special interests, so by staying in the closet and not adding another member to the "gay agenda" you're giving politicians a little more peace of mind. It's your patriotic duty, really.
3. No one needs to get hurt except you.
Even though you appear to be a "married heterosexual" with two kids, the fact that you're actually a miserable married heterosexual with two kids suppressing your homosexual tendencies is affecting only you. No need to drive your spouse and the kiddos into therapy. Let's keep it simple, cut down on mental health expenses, and just let those little voices in your head drive you crazy. It's cheaper that way.
4. For men only: Undergear models will still have a job if you stay in the closet.
If you guys come out of the closet, those perfectly chiseled Undergear male models would no longer have closeted fans hoarding away their catalogues! Hello: no catalogues means no models, no postage, no printing, no film shoots, no photographers... you get the drift. You come out of the closet and you cause unemployment. Do you really want that kind of responsibility?
5. For women only: the heterosexual male ego won't be traumatized if you stay in the closet.
Men are very insecure; we all know this. That's why they have to thump their chests, grunt and constantly prove their masculinity. If lesbians keep coming out, these poor straight guys will go crazy trying to figure out why they can't turn you the other direction. Don't be selfish, lesbians.
6. Honesty, integrity and authenticity are overrated.
Even though "coming out" is a mark of honesty, integrity, authenticity and an assortment of other "high-value" words, all these feelings and characteristics are overrated. You're really not going to feel any better. It's just a myth coming from the millions of gays and lesbians who are already out. They're actually quite miserable and wish they hadn't been so honest. Keep reading...
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