My poor cousin Dan. A middle-aged joker with a surprising spiritual bent, he'd been single a long time when he met… well, let's call her Lynn. It was great, he said, to be intimate with someone again. They saw each other every day, and within a couple months they were living together. But even on their first date, Dan remembers, there were signs: all the talk about the Lexus or Infiniti she wanted; all that food she ordered and didn't eat. Nevertheless, he felt good about the agreed-upon plan for sharing his place, which he owned. Lynn would pay $500 … Read More

Recently, while pursuing my unscientific study of relationships for this column, I came across a hapless pushover in his 40s whom I’ll call Hank. Hank had a bad habit of making loans to his girlfriends. “So, now,” he says with a weirdly amused sense of persecution, “all my exes owe me money!” He broods over the ethics. “If I broke up with them, do they still owe me? What if they broke up with me?!”

The lost dough would … Read More

Once, I dated a man, who was very, very poor. That’s what he said, and I believed him. Why wouldn’t I? He had wads of medical bills left over from a bout with cancer; he had child support; he had business expenses; and—oh, yes—he had the Chinese symbol for money tattooed on his Achilles tendon.

Since I lived in Manhattan and he was in North Carolina, we spent much of our relationship commuting. Plane tickets cost money, and though we tried to split the fares, I ended up paying for the bulk of them.

I didn’t really mind. He’d … Read More

You've got to hand it to Bill and Hillary Clinton: Despite all their bad behavior, they do know how to take turns. When Bill headed off to Washington for his first term as president, Hillary left her law practice and followed. When their time at the White House was up and Hillary ran for Senate, Bill embraced his role as spouse. And a fine political husband he has been, showing up for fundraisers, waving and smiling, and praising his gal at every opportunity.

Taking turns is a skill we learn early on at the playground but … Read More

The simple gold bracelet bestowed to mark Valentine’s Day. The new refrigerator for a birthday. The dinner check picked up by a date. While the purpose of gift giving may seem obvious, and our intentions straightforward, I’ve been preoccupied recently by what’s under the surface: a web of mixed emotions.

Gifts can symbolize a feeling or express a value. They can act, in the words of one researcher on the subject, University of Utah business professor Russell Belk, “as a powerful statement of the giver’s perception of the recipient.” They can quell worries and fill needs, or sometimes deliberately not … Read More

I remember my parents' checkbook. It was spiral bound with three checks per page and on each check it read: Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Baer. (It's a shame they don’t name boys Herbie any more; or for that matter Dad's middle name: Irving.)

What did it take to turn the Earth's richest man, who rarely gave a cent to those in need, into the world's most copious donor? It took, evidently, two typically fertile conditions: love and commitment.