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Proceed with caution.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Aug 21, 2017
I don't think there's a universal method to ruling out which guys suck when it comes to using a dating app like Tinder, but I do think that once you've done it for a while you begin to get a sense of who is a promising contender and who is out for a free meal — and I ain't talking about what you guys had for dinner.
If you have used Tinder or other similar dating apps then you probably already have some dating horror stories of your own to share. If you don't, then angels truly do walk among us, and I must kiss the hem of your humble garment. Truly, you are a miracle.
For the rest of us, weeding out the losers, bad guys, and creeps is almost a full-time job. Seriously, maybe they should make a dating app that rewards you for each successful creep you thwart with like, upgrades to premium features. I'd even take a six pack.
Thankfully, there are some ways of knowing whom to meet for a date and which guys to look out for on Tinder. I've rounded up 5 types of guys you'll find on any dating app who you should absolutely avoid. Unless, you know, pain and suffering is what you're into. Far be it for me to yuck your yum!
1. The One Photo Wonder
He's got one photo and it looks pretty good, but it's hard to say.
His profile is brief and almost non-existent. But his opening message to you have pretty sweet, and you're not superficial so you think you'll give him a chance.
Do NOT give him a chance.
If a man cannot be bothered to fill out his dating profile with at least a little bit of thought, what other arenas in his life is he half-assing?
Long story short, you're always going to be on top with this kind of dude because they are almost always too lazy for sex.
If that's your bag, rock on. But if it ain't, hightail it outta there.
2. The Chatty Charles
He's all talk and no action.
Never forget, Tinder might now be considered a great vehicle for long-term relationships, but that's not how it started.
Tinder was once 100% a hook-up app, and that legacy remains (and thank goodness for it).
But by that token if a guy is messaging you on Tinder constantly but not actually putting his money where his mouth is and asking you out on a real date, he's wasting your time.
Maybe he's married, maybe he's a commitment-phobe, whatever the reason may be it's not your problem.
You're on a dating app to go on dates, not to make awkward small talk with a man whose idea of a deep conversation is " 'sup?"
3. The Naked Nelson
I love and appreciate the male body.
Are penises weird? Sure, but so are vaginas, I'm not a hypocrite. Plus who doesn't love looking at abs? Send me your ab shots and pictures of your hot back all day and night long, please, I beeseech you!
But if I'm on a dating app like Tinder, I let these guys go by.
If what he's presenting is purely physical, you can bet what he's looking for is purely physical.
And I ain't just talking sex. If he looks like Ken he's gonna want his Barbie.
4. The Pressuring Pete
I think it's really important when you're using dating apps, especially apps like Tinder, to meet someone you're interested in pretty quickly and see if you click IRL, as the kids say.
But I'm wary of dudes who start putting on the pressure to meet right when we've matched.
If a guy is messaging you at noon on a Tuesday demanding you meet him that very second, that doesn't exactly sound like a guy you want to spend time with, does it?
Sure, meet him after work for a drink or coffee the next time, but a guy who tries to extend his own control that early on is bad news bears.
5. The Fake Frank
There are two types of internet fakes when it comes to men on dating sites.
There are men who literally create fake profiles in the hopes of "catching" a woman who they believe might otherwise ignore them.
Then, there are the men who create a profile of a dude looking for love and ready to commit, when they are anything but.
There's no harm in not being ready for something serious, and no one is asking these guys to present their baggage at the door.
But if he says "I'm ready to find Mrs. Right," and what he means is "let's see where things go," you're not starting out in a truthful place, and that is paramount if you want a relationship formed online to succeed.
6. The Married Mark
He's 100% married, we'll also accept, in a serious committed monogamous relationship.
He also thinks that you'll never find out.
He thinks so little of both his partner and of you that he thinks nothing of lying to you both for his own gain.
He can come up with a million excuses for his behavior but the truth is black and white: he's a liar.
7. The Playing Paul
He's a player. He loves women, or so he thinks, but what he really loves is getting a notch up on that belt of his.
He isn't cheating on anyone, because he "doesn't believe in monogamy".
He thinks "love is love" and doesn't see the point in serious commitments. "They're all about labels, anyway."
He might throw around the word polyamory, but if any real polyamorist heard him they keel right over in disbelief.
8. The Mansplaining Marvin
If you long for an entire evening of everything you say being corrected with a chorus of "well actuallys" then this is the dude for you.
Well, actually, this is the dude for no one.
He's insecure and over-educated and he thinks that by putting you down he's demonstrating how smart he really is.
He isn't. Instead he's demonstrating that he's not someone you want to waste any more of your time with.
9. The Booty-Call Brian
"Hey:)"
That's Booty-Call Brian. He's going to send you shirtless pics and some smiling emojis usually around 1 a.m. on a Friday or Saturday.
It doesn't matter that you've never met; he's still holding out hope against that hope that you'll become his booty call boo.
If that's what you want, proceed! If it isn't, kindly block him and go about your business.
10. The Damaged Dan
These are heartbreaking ... because on the surface they seem so great!
He has his life together, and he's upfront about the baggage he carries — or so you think.
But Damaged Dan's baggage is still at the forefront of his mind and he's not looking for a romantic partner so much as he's looking for a woman to help him heal.
That's fine if you get off on that noise, but for the rest of us: These guys don't make great partners.
11. The Twin Tom
"You like gnocchi? I LIKE GNOCCHI."
This guy is so desperate to connect that he's going to take anything the two of you have in common as proof that you are meant to be, soulmates, twins, only not related so that sex will still happen.
It's sweet that's he's so keen. What's not so sweet is that in his hurry to prove the two of you were meant to be he never really lets you get to know him.
12. The Garrulous Gary
On a good date, you both do your fair share of talking.
The conversation might have a few awkward silences, but even those should be a little charged with excitement and sexy feelings in your pants.
Not so on a date with good ol' Gary. He isn't going to ask you anything. He's barely going to let you speak.
Instead prepare to be assaulted the story of his life, his dreams, and anything else he can think of.
His thinking? If he stops talking you might run. And in this case, he's right!
13. The Woman-Hating Wendell
You matched with a guy on Tinder who seemed like a decent guy, so you agreed to go to dinner.
When you walk in five minutes late because you got lost and are greeted with "typical woman." That's your sign that you're on a date with Wendell.
His snide comments about women in general and you in particular will only increase as the date goes on leaving you to wonder, why on earth a man who hates women so much is so keen on making a romantic connection with one?
14. The Hung Up Hank
Hank is sweet, but it only takes one cocktail before he's crying and telling you about his recent break-up.
It's all you can do not to flee when he takes out his phone and starts showing you photos of the two of them in happier times.
He needs a shoulder to cry on sure, but maybe Tinder isn't the best place for that.
At least he bought dinner.
15. The Raging Ryan
Raging Ryan is a veritable Jekyll and Hyde.
When you two meet, he's wearing a nice suit jacket and he's working it!
He opens the door for you, he picks the wine but manages to do it without being a total douche.
But then, two glasses of wine down the hatch and he gets short-tempered when the waiter doesn't refill his water quickly enough.
A guy talking too loudly at the next table has him jumping up and nearly in fisticuffs.
We all love an old fashioned gentleman but not when he's hiding a simmering rage monster just beneath the surface.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday. For more of her work, click here.
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