Men Are Having Sex With Coconuts Now — And Here's Why

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man had sex with a coconut
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Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your fleshy fruits. Seriously, this is grotesque.

As if we really needed more evidence that men will stick their penis in just about anything, some poor, over-sharing sap on Tumblr in the subreddit called r/TIFU, or "Today I F*cked Up," got into a precarious predicament with a coconut and opted to share his woes with the world. That's right, this man had sex with a coconut and felt like he needed to share it with everyone.

"Anyway, around eight years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate," wrote user coconutthrowaway69 in the self-incriminating thread. "My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market."

So, like any sane person would do, coconutthrowaway69 sees the nutritious, watery fruit as the perfect portal for his penis, proceeding to drill a hole and make sweet love to it. (This guy must be a super-driller if he’s making holes the exact circumference of his manhood...) Talk about a kinky mind.

The user continued, "I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grabbed the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I [had sex with] the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I [ejaculate], shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day."

For the next week, coconutthrowaway69 continues to violate the fuzzy tropical fruit with the aid of butter slabs. Naturally, this could have truly been a perfectly acceptable (albeit absolutely mortifying) conclusion to this article, as the visual of some dude boning a coconut would be headline-worthy enough. But because we live in a cruel, unforgiving world, the Tumblr story’s real drama only starts here. 

"About a week and a bit after the initial coconut [sex] (I had been using it pretty much every day since then), I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut, right? So I decide that I'll [have sex with it] once more before I throw it out and get a new one. Worst mistake I have ever made," he explains.

Jesus, take the wheel. The saga continues of the man who had sex with a coconut.

"You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my [penis] out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY F**KING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my [penis] head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra." 

MAGGOTS. F**KING MAGGOTS!! I could also be experiencing the worst hangover of my life, and you couldn’t pay me to sip on a coconut water right now (or ever again, really). 

And if that bug-infested scene wasn’t enough to make you projectile vomit, apparently, the story spawned a slew of other coco-nutters to come forth with their own equally detestable tales. One user posted in response: "Turns out, I'm allergic to coconut water, and my [penis] swelled up and blocked the hole. I panicked and ripped my [penis] out, which cut it horribly. So here's the lesson: don't [have sex with] coconuts." 

Or maybe refrain from having sex with foods altogether? Just a thought. 

If you think having sex with coconuts is freaky, watch the video below for the crazy trend of women fingering fruits to teach men how to do it themselves:

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Julia Sullivan is a writer, editor, and blogger. When she's not chronicling her smelly, sometimes frightening adventures as a New York City noob in her blog, you can find her getting drunk with her cat on any given day of the week. Follow her on Twitter
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