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This isn't how love is supposed to work.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Last updated on Aug 08, 2017
I have to admit it: I'm totally addicted to The Bachelor and The Bachelorette franchises. I would feel ashamed, but I'm a generally pretty shameless person, and also, everyone and their mother (and sometimes their grandmothers) watch these shows. It's not like I'm alone.
On a previous season of The Bachelorette, the stunning Rachel Lindsay picked pretty boy Bryan the Latin Lover/Chiropractor as a favorite early on, and I just did not get it. Not only did he seem to be a ridiculously bad kisser (if the slurping the mics picked up was any indication) but he seemed so ... so, fake.
With Bryan, every other word out his mouth was about Rachel: how gorgeous she was, how smart she was, how special she was. He talked about their future together, why they were perfect for each other, and all of the great things that their future could possibly hold.
He was saying all of the right words: so why was my vagina drying up with each and every platitude the guy uttered?
Well, according to Dr. Dale Archer, Bryan is guilty of "love bombing." So, what is love bombing? According to Dr. Archer, it's a tactic when one partner excessively displays love and affection for their partner.
On the surface that sounds pretty good, right? Someone being so crazy about you that all they can do is lavish you with kind words and loving gestures? Sure, until you dig deeper and real that this tactic is actually a tool that's being used to control you.
"Healthy relationships build slowly and are based on a series of actions, not a flood of words," says Archer.
Still not convinced that this so-called love bombing is harmful? Try this on for size: It's a tactic that was first used in the 1970s by the Unification Church of the United States. The cult used love bombing as a tactic to convince its members to murder and commit suicide. Yeah. legitimately scary stuff — the kind of stuff that might have you howling "do not want" if you are a person who spends as much time on the internet as I do.
A person who love bombs you isn't evil. They aren't an innately bad person or a narcissist or a psychopath. But just because they aren't absolutely unhinged that doesn't mean they know the right way to be in a relationship. People with a fear of abandonment are often guilty of love bombing in the hopes of keeping their partner close at heel.
So how can you tell if this is happening to you? Here are the signs of love bombing.
Here are 4 signs you're being "love bombed" and need to run away:
1. Your love interest's mood changes often
He's sending dozens of red roses to your office when you aren't together along with chocolates and sonnets ... but sending you hateful jealous texts when you're out with friends. That's a sign he could be love-bombing you.
'If extravagant displays of affection continue indefinitely, if actions match words, and there is no devaluation phase, then it's probably not 'love bombing',' says Dr. Archer. "On the other hand, if there's an abrupt shift in the type of attention, from affectionate and loving to controlling and angry, with the pursuing partner making unreasonable demands, that's a red flag."
2. They want constant communication with you
In order for him to continue his intense love-bombing assault, he needs to have constant access to you.
Expect frequent texts throughout the day, not asking you how you are or what you're up to but just lavishing you with praise and pining for a time when the two of you will be united again...even if you're only parted ways an hour or so before.
3. You have childhood trauma or dysfunction
There's a school of thought that if you are used to something being the norm from your family dynamic growing up, then no matter how far you've grown past that you might subconsciously look for someone to fill that role in your romantic life.
If you have childhood trauma associated with your family, you're at higher risk to become the prey of a love bomber.
4. Everything seems too good to be true
If you ever find yourself thinking "This feels too good to be true," then take note: It just might be.
Not to sound too jaded, but very often when you find yourself thinking this in a new relationship, it's your mind sending up a protective red flag.
A love-bombing partner will seem too good to be true until you disappoint them. Then you'll be walking constantly on eggshells and trying to get back to the way things used to be. Ain't nobody got time for that!
Bottom line, ditch the fairy tale thinking: A prince on a white horse is not going to sweep you up, coo into your ear and write haikus about you on Twitter.
It isn't wrong to expect romance and adoration from your significant other, but a real relationship isn't founded on romantic gestures, it's focused on the real everyday junk of getting to know the other person, and that ain't always roses and chocolates.
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Rebecca Jane Stokes is an editor, freelance writer, former Senior Staff Writer for YourTango, and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek. Her bylines have appeared in Fatherly, Gizmodo, Yahoo Life, Jezebel, Apartment Therapy, Bustle, Cosmopolitan, SheKnows, and many others.