How To Explore Your Sexual Boundaries To The FULLEST (Without Losing Yourself)

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How To Explore The Human Sexuality Spectrum In The Swinger Lifestyle Without Losing Your Sense Of Self
Sex

It's all fun and games ... until somebody starts to forget who they are.

The bounty of available experiences across the human sexuality spectrum that opens for you when you first decide to step over the threshold into swinging can be at the same time wonderful and overwhelming.

If you have been monogamous for your entire life thus far, even if you’ve had a lot of sex, it’s unlikely that you’ve been a party to the myriad permutations of orgies. Three, four, five, six, BINGO!

If thus far you’ve been heterosexual-leaning, but see the world through your new eyes and realize that maybe you don’t have to consider yourself a zero anymore — on the Kinsey Scale, not making fun of hetero people, I assure you — that first breath of new and different air can cause you to panic.

Where once options were far simpler, once you enter the sex-positive swinger lifestyle, the vast expanse of choices can be frightening.

This is especially true of uneven coupling, in which one of the partners has "experience" and the other doesn’t. Regardless of what that experience is or looks like, it is quite natural to look at the possibilities opening up and be a little nervous.

What if I don’t like: ___________________________________ ?

Fill in the blank with anything on the spectrum of sexuality and sexual behaviors.

Try to remember that sexual thing that scared you before you did it, but that you loved afterward. And also remember that sexual thing that scared you, that you did, and that you didn’t like at all.

What if I don’t like BDSM?

Or watching her have sex with another guy? Or letting another guy have sex with me? Or taking naked pictures? Or having oral sex with barriers?

Well ... What if you don’t?

Our lives are littered with things that we try and don’t like, including some that we regret trying, in fact. These are the moments that make us not want to try things again, because what if those things are bad too?

Because what if my playmate sucks?

Because what if I suck?

Because what if I don’t like it and I have to tell someone I didn’t like it?

We’re usually not so nervous about not liking something for someone else’s benefit. Usually, those nerves are solely about the possible impact on ourselves. 

What if I don’t like it?

Which suggests that our desire to like something we try is motivated by already being familiar with the sense of failure we feel when we don’t. Which makes it scary. Which makes us less likely to try.

My suggestion is that when you begin exploring the breadth of options suddenly available to you across the vast spectrum of human sexuality, you recognize right off that bat that you WILL NOT like everything.

I mean that’s really a given. Do you like ALL the movies you’ve ever seen? All the books you’ve ever read? Aside from a snarky, “Well that’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back…,” does it have any lasting effect on you when you don’t like a movie or book?

No, it doesn't. Because not liking these things has zero effect your sense of self.

Someone who is confident that they are heterosexual can have an encounter with someone of the same sex, enjoy it or not, and still be heterosexual on the other end of the experience (though if they were repeatedly having same-sex encounters, we might start to question exactly how hetero they could be).

This is why I always tell people that if they try swinging and it’s not for them, that can still be okay. It’s a big experiment to try because they’d be seeing things they can’t unsee, but it’s perfectly OK if, ultimately, they find it doesn't work for them.

The same goes for trying bondage. And anal play. And then let’s just keep sliding right across that kink-o-rama spectrum.

Because if you know who you are, even if you don’t know what you want, you’ll still be the same person when you arrive on the other side.

Listen now: On this episode of Life On The Swingset: The Podcast, we talk about butts bunches. Many of us enjoy putting things in our butts. Some of us wish we enjoyed it. What we don’t often get into is the whys of butt play, how to make it better, how to explore it at first, and why anal sex can be awesome, so we get together to tell some stories and relay our expert opinions!

 

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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