Unless You Want To Be Naked In A Dirty Bathroom Stall Or Show Off Your Moose Knuckle, Male Rompers Are A Big NO

Photo: Kickstarter
Romphim
Editor
Buzz

As written by a man.

I spent last night explaining to my wife why the male romper is a terrible idea.

She thought I was being unreasonable.

“They look cute!” she said. She argued that they just didn’t fit my own personal fashion sense, which apparently involves hoodies, ironic t-shirts, and the same boring color palette every day. (I’m paraphrasing.)

But here’s the thing — I wasn’t saying that the male romper was a terrible idea FOR ME. More than anything, I was saying that there are some serious design flaws in the whole romper experience that I just can’t get past AS A MAN.

If you’re wondering why we were having the romper debate, you probably haven’t been on Twitter recently, because, thanks to a recent Kickstarter campaign, everyone online is talking about a new male romper that they’re playfully calling a “

 

(Reminds me of the Kramer/Mr. Costanza argument on Seinfeld about what to name a male bra — a man-ssiere or a bro.)

The Kickstarter has been massively successful so far  it started out with a $10,000 goal and raised well over $200,000 in just a couple of days. I’m guessing that the success is due to the novelty of the idea and, yeah, I bet some men just legitimately think they look cool.

And I’m not saying they’re wrong. That’s fashion. That’s subjective. I don’t have to like the look of a garment to understand why another man might like it.

BUT, that said, I simply can’t get behind the male romper.

Why not? It really comes down to logistics more than anything.

My first thought when I saw the Romphim was “How do you poop in that?”

via GIPHY

Now I understand that these rompers aren’t anything particularly new and men have been wearing jumpsuits for ages  both in and outside of the military  so the pooping issue has definitely come up before, but, seriously, people, how do you poop in a romper?

I suppose you just have to take the whole outfit off, pulling your arms out of the sleeves, sliding it down your butt, and then bunching it up behind your knees while you sit on the toilet, but… why would ANYONE want to do that?

So, basically, the shirt portion of your outfit has to touch the outer rim of a toilet bowl if you have to go #2. I’m just going to have to have MY SHIRT dangle at toilet level, inches above a men’s bathroom floor (which are among the worst floors in history), and then I’m going to CHOOSE to pull that shirt back up onto my body?

Um, no. No, no, no.

I don’t care how fresh, fun, and fashion-forward that is  NO.

And maybe women have had to deal with these logistical problems for their entire lives and, for that I’m sorry, but what’s the damn point of the patriarchy if I have to press my shirt against the toilet bowl while I poop?

Also, basic hygiene aside, the male romper also doesn’t address a very serious issue for men.

Moose knuckle.

If you’re not familiar with the term, it’s the male equivalent of camel-toe. Basically, it’s the SUPER unflattering outline of a man’s junk if he’s wearing pants that are really, really too tight.

via GIPHY

I know what you’re thinking  just get a romper that fits a little better. Don’t get the size XS when you’re really a XL.

But here’s the thing  because the romper pants and shirt are connected, every time you reach up, every time you stretch your arms out, it’s going to pull up the fabric of your pants and… BOOM. Instant moose knuckle.

I don’t want to wear an outfit, no matter how fun it is, if, every time I grab something from a high shelf, I’m acutely aware that everyone around me is getting a topographical map of my penis.

No one needs to see that.

Those are just a few of the reasons why I’m not on Team Romphim, but I think that’s enough.

I know fashion isn’t always supposed to be functional. Fashion is about taking risks, expressing yourself, trying new things. And yet if that fashion causes me to have to get naked in a filthy bathroom stall or give myself a front-wedgie whenever I stretch out my arms… yeah, it’s simply not worth it.

Author
Editor