6 Questions You NEED To Ask A Guy Who Says 'No Drama' On His Dating Profile

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6 Questions To Ask A Guy Who Says He Wants 'No Drama' On His Dating Profile
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It could be a HUGE red flag!

A lot of people talk to me about online dating profiles on which people will explicitly state something along the lines of this:

  • “No drama."
  • "Don’t bring your drama."
  • "I don’t want to deal with your drama.”

I can see why, on the surface, this request for "no drama" seems like a great idea. How many of us have extra room in our lives to deal with someone else’s stuff?

Most of us are already working really damn hard to take care of ourselves as it is.

We’re working hard to make sure that we have our own self under control, let alone someone else's self.

At first glance, stating this explicitly on a dating app would seem to be about a desire avoid introducing any unnecessary hassle or stress into someone’s life. However, I typically see this kind of statement as a red flag that someone is hoping to avoid introducing ANY feelings into their life, especially difficult feelings like sadness, disappointment, frustration or anger.

Maybe you’ve noticed the same thing I do.

Those people who are the quickest to say, “No drama! I hate drama!” are often right in the center of drama all the time.

It's my feeling that this phrase is, unfortunately, being used more and more frequently by people who tend to step on A LOT of toes, and really don’t want to have to hear any complaints about it.

That’s frustrating because if someone hurts you, you have every right to want to be able to address your feelings about it with them.

In fact, if someone does something that is inconsiderate or hurtful, it's your responsibility as a grown up to address that with them as directly as you can.

So when people say, “Ugh! I don’t want your drama. Don’t bring me your drama. Why are you causing so much drama?,” usually what they’re really saying is, “I don’t want to be responsible for the drama I’ve created. I caused hurt. I caused heartache, but I don’t want to deal with that, so you hold it. Stop making it my problem.”

Now, of course, that's not always the case.

But if you run into someone who is super insistent that they want NO drama in their lives, it’s worth asking some them questions.

After all, we are all human. None of us are perfect. And whenever you have two or more humans interacting, there’s going to be conflict. There are going to be ways in which we disagree or we don’t match. And while that kind of conflict is inevitable, what matters most is how you deal with it.

In my experience, "drama" comes from people who are unwilling to sit down, take accountability, be available, and talk about conflict.

Or from people who really enjoy jumping into other people’s issues when they don’t have anything to do with them at all.

Here are at least 6 questions to ask a guy who says he wants "NO drama":

1. Do I have space to be human with you?

2. Do I have space to struggle?

3. Do I have space to hurt?

4. What happens if you disappoint me or if something you've done makes me feel angry?

5. Would that be considered drama?

6. How do you define drama?

Because if what someone means by saying "no drama" is that they don’t want people jumping into business that isn't theirs, they don’t want people who aren’t involved in a situation trying to turn it into a huge mess the way people who love to gossip do, that’s one thing ...

But if what someone really means when they say, "No drama" is “I don’t want to be held accountable for my actions, so keep your feelings about them to yourself...”

...That’s definitely worth a serious conversation.

Dr. Liz Powell is a psychologist who takes a caring yet upfront approach to therapy and coaching. She is also trained in sex therapy and brings a compassionate and open-minded approach to the treatment of sexual concerns. Her passion lies with treating underserved populations — in particular, those in the LGBTQ, Kink/BDSM, and Polyamory/Open Relationship/Swinger communities.

 

This article was originally published at Sex Positive Psych. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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