The 2 Less Obvious Reasons You Keep Picking Non-Committal Men

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why guys won't commit
Love, Self

Stop the pattern.

If you’re anything like I used to be, you are convinced there is no creature more unicorn-y than the committal man. He just doesn’t exist, right? Wrong. You’re just not picking him. Here are two reasons why guys won't commit.

1. You’re “The Romantic”

The Romantic Woman believes in love at first sight and being swept off her feet. So, when she meets a man who sees her across a crowded room and pursues her at a brisk and wanton pace, she impulsively jumps to the conclusion he’s “The One.”

Romantic ladies, when a man tries to inhale you like a drug or shake you up to turn you into “Instant Girlfriend,” he’s most likely a sex and love addict. I call him Mr. Need-For-Speed.

This is one of the most confusing types of non-committal men because for a brief time even he believes you’re the remedy to his inability to commit. This sex and love addicted man knows he’s got issues, but rather than dealing with them himself, he’s looking for that one special lady who will cure him. Unfortunately, his efforts are misguided, because as soon as the Romantic Woman is hooked, his fear of engulfment kicks in and he runs for the hills.

Romantic women often come from chaotic homes peopled with dramatic or neglectful or addicted parents. These types of women often played the childhood role of therapist, priest, caretaker or rescuer with a parent.

This has left the Romantic Woman with a huge hole that needs to be filled, but if she hasn’t done her emotional healing work, she will continue attracting partners who mirror her childhood role models.

You’re a Romantic Woman if you:

2. You’re “The Thrillseeker”

The Thrillseeker loves a challenge. She tends to be attracted to the Brooding Broken Bad Boy who has left a string of trampled hearts in his wake. He might even come right out and warn The Thrillseeker that he’s not the committed type.

But does that stop her? Nope. She’s confident she can change the guy and it doesn’t hurt that he’s charismatic and easy on the eyes. The Thrillseeker might even meet with some early success and land him in bed where he’s most expressive and passionate. But quickly, The Thrillseeker realizes in bed is the only place he’s willing to commit. And should enough time go by, even that commitment waxes and wanes.

If you’re the Thrillseeker, you likely come from a chaotic home too, but your reaction is the opposite of the Romantic Woman’s reaction. The Thrillseeker might have felt smothered by her family of origin and couldn’t wait to break away.

So, a nice guy standing in front of her, ready to commit, often scares her more than a non-committal bad boy who keeps running away. The Thrillseeker has her own fear of commitment lurking in the wings. So, it’s not just enough to know that you should avoid both the passionate Mr. Need For Speed and the intriguing Brooding Broken Bad Boy.

It’s most important that you understand yourself! Ask yourself these questions and journal your answers:

  • What fears and needs control me?
  • Do I mistake sex for love and what does that look like?
  • Am I my man’s psychiatrist, priest, caretaker, mother or scold? What does that look like?
  • What are my values?
  • What are my goals for my romantic life?
  • How do I abandon my values and goals when I date or am in a relationship?

The first step in avoiding non-committal men is to understand where you come from and know where you want to go.

Avoid the “familiar” or the “challenging” if you come from a chaotic home. Take “contrary action” and explore the unfamiliar territory of getting to know a man slowly before falling into bed and becoming sexually bonded. You are your first best defense against falling in love with a non-committal man.

There are many paths to self-knowledge and self-love; my favorite is 12-step recovery. For those of us who chase non-committal, inconsistent, critical, unfaithful men both Al-Anon and CODA are exceptional. You might also do well in a religious community, with a private therapist or with the guidance of a Higher Power.

But the one thing you should know above all is that the non-committal man is just a symptom of the problem and may well be the catalyst you need to heal yourself and take responsibility for your own life.

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This article was originally published at Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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