Photo: Jade ThaiCatwalk / Shutterstock
Apparently, there are standards.
By Kiarra Sylvester — Written on Nov 20, 2021
For as long as I can remember, there's been controversy and even shame surrounding all that beauty pageants stand for. But clearly not enough to stop the chauvinistic pig who created a vagina beauty pageant.
The pageant was originally created as what some outlets say was a PR stunt by Brian Sloan, the sex toy maker who invented the Autoblow 2.
Although the event seems to be clearly tongue-in-cheek, I'm not sure that makes the concept any easier to wrap my head around. As if the entire thing isn't strange enough, it's been held in Oregon — the last location I suspected would hold such a modern? ... event.
But, generalizations aside, knowing this was happening made me more curious than ever as to what makes a vagina "pageant ready" — or rather, consider "pretty" or "beautiful" enough to enter into a "vageant."
According to Mic, critics of various vagina pageants in previous years have pointed out that they are part of "a long tradition of propagating unrealistic beauty standards for women."
One vagina beauty pageant's guidelines noted that a "class one" vagina could best be described as soft and not protruding, while vaginas in classes three to five "display protruding labia minor."
Of course, this contest was run by men and for men, catered entirely to the male species. And, if beauty is really in the eye of the beholder, then women everywhere are doomed to the crazy high standards that men have for the vaginas they hold.
And while we cannot state emphatically enough that all vaginas are beautiful, we know there are vulva owners out there who do wonder what makes a vagina pretty to those that don't have them, so we decided to ask and find out what they think.
Here's what men think qualifies as a "beautiful vagina."
1. "Looks moist like a well-baked cake — not dry like an overcooked steak." — Shawn M.
2. "Clean, shaved, proportional lips to clitoris." — Phil G.
3. "I guess as long as it doesn't look like an Arby's sandwich ... it's fine." — Chris B.
4. "Cleanly shaved, no razor bumps, smells greats and her labia aren't flappin' and hangin' loose; her clitoris is tucked and not out like a tiny penis." — Samuel C.
5. "Nice and fat, without the insides hanging out." — Terrence H.
6. "It seems like it would be difficult to describe the ideal vagina, but lips that don't sag is definitely a must." — Damien B.
My guess as to what all of this really means?
There is a man out there (and probably many, many men, if we're being honest) who finds your vagina beauty pageant-worthy and would be more than willing to put it on a pedestal.
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Kiarra Sylvester, MEd, is the founder of Black Girl Book Collective. She is a sex educator on a mission to decolonize Black women's sexuality.