If You Ever Want To Get Laid, DO NOT Be One Of These 5 Types Of Texters

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If Want To Get Laid, Don't Be One Of These 5 Types Of Guys Who Commit Funny (& Sad) Text Fails
Sex

It's all fun and games ... until someone commits a deal breaker.

On December 3, 1992, a 22-year-old test engineer for Sema Group used a personal computer to send what is said to be the first text message — “Merry Christmas” — to a colleague and text messaging as we know it was born.

This past Saturday, a 22-year-old used his iPhone to send a message containing a picture of his penis with the following text — “FYSBIGTBABN* ;-)” — to a girl he met in a bar and guaranteed he would never hear from her again.

(You’re dying to know what the hell that text meant, aren’t you? Apparently, it means (I kid you not) "Fasten Your Seat Belts, It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Night.")

Text messaging can be a great, simple — hell, even fun — way to connect with people, but in the wrong hands it can also be a deal breaker.

Today we’re talking about how to avoid making the mistakes of 5 types of texters who sign their relationship death warrant the second they press “SEND.” 

Check it out folks, this is who you do NOT want to be:

1. The Tween Girl

I accept that a certain amount of text-speak has slipped into the American vernacular but recently, when after saying something funny via text to an adult male, I received this back: “OMFGROTFLMAO :-D” 

I was left with two questions:

1. What does that mean?

2. Why do I talk to this guy?

Here’s the what: I know that abbreviations are helpful. No one wants to type (or read) a novel in text message form.

via GIPHY

I also know that tone doesn’t always read well in a text (even my sparkling wit sometimes fails) and sometimes a well-placed emoticon means the difference between a fun exchange and the start of an argument. I get it.

But come on folks! Check yourselves!

If you don’t have a One Direction poster on your wall, your texts should have more actual words than abbreviations and please use the emoticons and emojis sparingly!

Also, I think we can all just agree that the letter “K” is not a sentence or even a word and thus is never the correct textual answer to “Do you want to have dinner with me?”

 

Related: There Is NO Friend Zone, Gentlemen — She’s Just Not That Into YOU

 

2. The Dalek

One word answers are the absolute worst. Are they a lack of effort, a fear of sounding too eager or do you just not get how sentences work? Sentences keep things moving. One-word answers bring them to a grinding halt (as do one letter answers, like the letter “K” — see above).

And worse than the Conversation Killer (who you’ll meet in a minute), the Dalek can make their texting partner feel like they are distracted, annoyed, or just not interested.

Witness the Dalek:

Notice how they only use one word and no one seems happy to interact with them? Coincidence? I think not.

Consider instead being like the Doctor:

Notice how he uses full sentences and is all cute and endearing? And the dude always has a companion ... just saying.

 

3. The Conversation Killer

This guy is only slightly better than the Dalek. Here’s a sample conversation with him (note that you are playing the role of The CK).

Me: “Dinner last night was awesome and your karaoke was impressive! I had a blast!”

You: “Yeah, me too.”

You see what happened there?! I wrote to you after our awesome date and you responded with what we call a dead end.

Now I'm left thinking, “So ... do I try again? Is he going to say more? ... Bored now.”

And now we’re not going out again. Good job.

The Conversation Killer makes conversing with them feel like work. It’s like pulling teeth to move the conversation forward and, if you are anything like me, your patience wears thin- quickly.

Anyone with improv experience (or anyone who has read Tina Fey’s book) knows the value of saying, “Yes, and ...” 

That is to say that contributing something to the dialogue keeps the things progressing. Think of this the same way. Don’t just agree, add a thought, a question, a joke … anything! Give your text partner something to work with.

One final note on this: Sending the letter “K” as an answer kills conversations. Don’t do it.

 

4. The Quarterback

This one is a little sad. Sometimes, often around the time of a breakup, folks suspect their calls are being dodged and voicemails erased without being heard and they see texting as their only opportunity to say their piece. I call this the “Hail Mary Text,” because I think everyone who does it thinks that they are sending a message of such persuasiveness they’ll be like Dallas Cowboys legend Roger Staubach in 1975.

I will not say that this never works because I’m sure there are times when it has, but, brass tacks? You’re dealing with someone who doesn’t want to talk to you! Which means you’re starting to nudge the line on creepy behavior here.

Also, SMS is not the place for an emotional exchange. It’s just not the appropriate medium.

Put those two facts together and you’ve just expressed strong feelings in an inappropriate manner to someone who doesn’t want to talk to you. You may as write a note reading, “I want to wear your skin as a coat,” tie it to a brick and chuck it through their window.

You need to find another way!

Remember, throwing the Hail Mary can easily make you Brady in 2012.

P.S. “K” = still not a word.

 

Related: People Who Master This ONE Skill Have The Happiest Relationships Ever

 

5. The Porn Star

I’m going to keep this simple: do not EVER send pictures of your genitals unless asked (and even then please give it some thought).

Apart from the fact that it’s just wrong to subject anyone to a faceful of unexpected nether-regions, this really comes down to a question of maintaining some mystery.

The suggestion of nakedness is way hotter than testicles on my phone. Fact.

In the end,  to avoid being ANY of these folks, you’ve got to know your audience. And, you know, talk like a person.

At the risk of sounding like a Disney movie, the best thing you can do is be yourself … unless “yourself” sends photos of your junk with the caption “CU L8R ;-P”. 

If that’s the case you should just surrender your phone.

K? ;-)

 

JoEllen Notte is a writer, speaker, and researcher who has been writing about sex, mental health, vibrators and how none of us are broken on her award-winning site, The Redhead Bedhead, since 2012. She is currently working on her first book, "The Monster Under The Bed: Sex, Depression, And The Conversations We Aren't Having."

 

This article was originally published at The RedHead Bedhead. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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