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We know it seems complicated ...
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Aug 10, 2020
People who identify as sapiosexual don't have it easy.
Not only do they require a real, intense intellectual and mental connection in order feel sexual attraction, but so many people are confused or skeptical about this relatively new term for sexual identity that it can be hard to feel like you're in a safe space to come out as sapiosexual.
What is a sapiosexual?
According to Dictionary.com, "a person who finds intelligence to be a sexually attractive quality in others."
Outside of its dictionary definition, sapiosexuality means more to those who identify as sapiosexual. As a lady who writes about sex and attraction on the internet, I have had the pleasure of talking with several of them.
I asked a couple of anonymous sapiosexuals what things they felt like non-sapiosexuals needed to know about being sapiosexual.
Here's what they had to say!
1. Sapiosexuality is defined a little differently to everyone.
Sapiosexuality means different things to different people who identify as being sapiosexual.
Like so many other things on this planet, it is never a great idea to make massive generalizations about sapiosexuals.
While one might go weak at the knees for Keats, another might just need a man who can finish a crossword in under an hour to get their rocks off.
"I don't exclusively date intelligent men," said an anonymous sapiosexual, "I have sex with lots of people. But I only truly can form bonds with people who stimulate me intellectually."
While this is true for this sapiosexual, some won't even have sex unless their brain is tickled sufficiently (sexy).
2. Sapiosexuality has nothing to do with gender.
"I feel like people think it's just a girl thing? That smacks of sexism," says an anonymous sapiosexual.
And it's true! Sapiosexuality is typically associated with women, but that's a load of garbage.
If you are a human being and you can only become aroused or romantic when you are intellectually challenged or stimulated, you are sapiosexual. It doesn't matter what's hanging out (or not) between your legs.
3. Sapiosexuality is about more than being book smart.
Intelligence is about so much more than a report card.
You can be insanely bright and be a terrible student. You can be awful at math but a brilliant verbal thinker.
If you aren't "traditionally" smart, don't automatically assume that a sapiosexual won't be attracted to you!
Being a sapiosexual means seeking out all kinds of intelligence, and emotional intelligence counts!
4. Sapiosexuality is not a kink.
Sapiosexuals aren't "choosing" to be turned on the way they are turned on. It's just how they are designed and it's awesome.
To be clear, kinks are real, but they are different.
5. It's hot.
Just because it takes a different kind of foreplay to get them going (nothing turns them on more than demonstrating just how many different languages you can speak, FYI) that doesn't mean that sapiosexuals don't have good sex.
Their sex is pretty great.
On the contrary, because what they are into isn't what you might be into (necessarily) that doesn't make it any less hot and heavy, so do not get it twisted.
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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cats, Batman and Margot. She's an experienced generalist with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, pop culture, and true crime. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.