What in the actual...?!
Good news, nerds!
Turns out if you've never touched a boob before, video game designers have got you covered.
Now, if you don't play video games
you're cool you might not know that most controllers have this function where they vibrate when you blow things up, shoot a gun, etc, etc.
It was only a matter of time until someone got sexy with these features, and that time is now.
The Nintendo Switch has a special new kind of vibration called "HD Rumble".
What does this tech allow? Well, it makes it easier for game designers to program in new tactile sensations ... like squeezing a boob.
So of course, that's exactly what they're doing with the release of the video game Senran Kegura.
If you're looking for a reason to buy the Nintendo Switch and the promise of grabbing imaginary boobs does it for you, then I'm happy to have helped.
It is inevitable that as soon as human beings make some sort of evolution in technology that said technology will then be put to use in some porn-tastic and/or sex-based way.
The FIRST thing I did once I had an iPhone? Immediately looked at porn.
Remember when virtual reality technology exploded last year and now most porn sites offer VR experiences?
I guarantee you that as soon as flying cars are a real thing, someone will come up with some sort of sex device that can use while flying said flying car.
People: The only thing we love more than innovation is getting our dirty, dirty freak on.
So it's not really surprising to me to hear that as soon as humanly possible video game designers are making sure that the dudes who buy their shit can squeeze pretend boobs.
I know it's cool to be a geek these days. Yes, yes, Big Bang Theory, it is a show.
But let's be real: The dudes buying a Nintendo Switch because they want to know what it's like to clutch up on a booby probably aren't a line of little Fabios on the make, if you catch my drift.
I just hope that in addition to giving them the thrills of squeezing a fake boob, the video game also comes with an explanation that real boobs do not, in fact, feel like a sack of tepid pudding, because otherwise, they are in for a shocking surprise.
Ha ha, I'm kidding: They will never actually touch real boobs.