Hey girl, hey! It's me, Becca, the woman between whose legs you reside. How've you been? Cool, cool, glad to hear me. Me? Oh, you know, I'm okay.
What's brings me by? Well, actually, this is a little awkward. The thing is, I kind of owe you an apology. No, not kind of, I really owe you an apology.
First off, I'd like to start by saying "my bad" for that time when I was a kid and I thought I just jump over that fence. Turns out I was totally deluding myself and I am so sorry that you banged up so bad, vagina. You took it like a champ, which frankly, was more than I deserved.
I would also like to say how sorry I am for that time in high school when I thought it would be cool to shave your hair into a lightening bolt, vagina. I have no explanation for this other than that, hey, I was 15 and doing a lot of questionable (if not outright stupid) stuff. Furthermore I am, sorry that the lightening bolt wound up looking like a kind of tragic nuclear bomb cloud. I'm even more sorry for the ingrown hairs that swiftly followed, dearest vagina.
I'm sorry for the time I really thought I could my vibrating toothbrush as a fancy to-go travel dildo. I should have cleaned it more thoroughly, I know getting that mouthful of mint couldn't have been very pleasant. I felt it too, vagina, and oh my god ouch.
I'm sorry for that time I decided to wax at home and you had to wear adult diapers to sop up the blood. I'm sorry for the time I had a painful zit on you and instead of letting you alone I insisted on popping it with a sewing needle.
All of these could be forgiven if I hadn't introduced you to that gawky comedian, beloved vagina. I'm sorry about that terrible one night stand, and I'm more sorry for convincing you it was a good idea to spend time with that guy who worked at the record story and fancied himself a filmmaker. You deserve better than that.
I am going to do my best to treat you right from here on out. I know, I know, but listen. I am going to keep soap away from you (and needles). I'm going to introduce you to the finest and cleanest vibrators on offer, and make sure you get regular check-ups.
And honestly, though I've put you through a lot, I introduced you to pot tampons AND my boyfriend, so at the end of the day, I think we're square, don't you?